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Dense Fear

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Director: Tony Gardner
Writer: Tony Gardner
Producer: Tony Gardner
Cast: Tony Gardner, Andy Moffitt, Shaun Winn
Country: UK
Year of release: 2003
Reviewed from: YouTube
Website: http://densefear2.webs.com

Dense Fear is the 50-minute film to which Dense Fear Bloodline is a sequel. It’s available on YouTube but the picture quality is very poor, albeit not enough to spoil the film or prevent one from following the action.

Director-writer-producer Tony Gardner stars as Paul, a young man living in a middle-class suburban house, who has psychological issues and a taste for raw meat. Visited by his sceptical psychiatrist Dr Sandla (Gardner’s sister Sonia Brotherston) he recounts the story of how he became a werewolf.
The bulk of the film is a flashback to a camping trip into the woods by Paul and his mates Dave (Shaun Winn) and Bill (Andy Moffitt), a trio of Geordie likely lads equipped with a tent, some cans of beer and a dirty magazine to provide entertainment. On the road, they pass a scary-looking figure whose hands and face are covered in blood (also Andy Moffitt).

Later, in the woods, Paul is freaked out to see the same bloody individual. Later still, the trio are attacked by a hairy man-beast. Gardner’s fantastic home-made werewolf suit uses the same head as in the sequel but a different body, this one being a quadruped. Good editing of the attack scenes lets us see enough to be impressed.

Curiously, the last 15 minutes or so is a completely different flashback, as Paul explains to Dr Sandla how he knows about a recent local death. Another member of the Moffitt clan, Joe, is a lone driver whose car breaks down and who is attacked by a beast (implicitly Paul). Three days later, Ashley and Lee Moffitt play two kids who find a dismembered body in the woods. Stuart Hills and Joe Youngman are the forensic experts checking it out.

Shot around Gateshead for about 30 quid over a three-year period, Dense Fear was finished in 2003 and shared with family and friends. The film was posted to YouTube in April 2011. Despite a (fake) feeder reel at the start, this seems to have been shot on VHS, not 8mm. An effective negative effect is used for some werewolf POV shots.

Taking into account the budget, the minimal resources, Gardner’s inexperience and the early date in the British Horror Revival, Dense Fear is genuinely very impressive. It’s not as good as the second film, of course; Gardner learned from making this one and fed that experience into the follow-up. But even taken on its own, this is a pretty damn good little slice of British horror. There’s nothing embarrassingly bad and the great werewolf suit balances out the inadequacies of some of the acting and the rather minimalist plot (plus the odd structure, which makes it look like this wanted to be an anthology then got distracted halfway through…).

Worth checking out.

MJS rating: B

Friday Download: The Movie

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Director: John Henderson
Writer: Toby Davies
Producers: Jules Elvins, Jeremy Salsby, Daniel Shepherd
Cast: Dionne Bromfield, Shannon Flynn, Tyger Drew-Honey
Country: UK
Year of release: 2015
Reviewed from: screener

Despite the presence upstairs of a nearly-12-year-old couch potato nerd, the CBBC channel doesn’t really figure in this house. TF Simpson watches Deadly 60 and Horrible Histories and we used to sometimes watch Dani’s House but those are all viewed on iPlayer. CBBC is never watched in real-time the way CBeebies was, and so neither he nor his parents have any real concept of what’s on there. He tells me he’s caught a bit of the programme called Friday Download on a couple of occasions, but since he has no real interest in pop music (apart from Weird Al, whom we saw together last week!) it’s not the sort of show he would watch.

Instead his televisual diet largely consists of Doctor Who, The Simpsons, Futurama DVDs, wildlife documentaries, dinosaur programmes and endless repeats of Top Gear on Dave. Plus whatever retro shows his parents turn him onto; we’re halfway through Lois and Clark right now.

So, working on the assumption that you know as little about Friday Download as I do, here’s a primer, largely gleaned from Wikipedia and the CBBC site. The show seems to be a mix of interviews, games and performances based around music, video games and movies. The guests are contemporary pop stars: the sort of production-line teenybop automata that you and I have mostly never heard or even heard of (and wouldn’t admit if we had). It’s presented by bland stage school Stepford teenagers indistinguishable from the bland singers they interview. A perusal of the online bios of the current presenters (not the ones in this film) shows them to be shallow and dull, their interests limited entirely to sport and pop music. None have even the slightest interest in science, or history, or nature, or art, or literature, or anything beyond vacuous soundbite pop culture.

Let’s put it this way. If Jeremy Corbyn gets elected Prime Minister and turns Britain into a totalitarian Communist state, none of this lot run any risk of being arrested for being dangerous intellectuals. One boy does list Of Mice and Men as his favourite book but then admits that it’s the only one he’s ever read(!) and in fact the only glimmer of anything approaching any sort of credibility is that one girl says her favourite band is the Stone Roses.

Friday Download has been running since 2011 and has apparently won a BAFTA at some point. The whole thing all looks rather ghastly, to be honest, like an ADHD Why Don’t You for the X-Factor generation. Presumably it’s what some kids want but you can see why someone like TF Simpson wouldn’t be interested. (Please note that I have never seen even a second of the show and hadn’t actually heard of it until I was sent this screener. All the above is based on minimal research. I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my disdain for the programme as anything except good old-fashioned, uninformed prejudice.)

So why, you may ask, am I bothered about any of this? Because in 2015 Friday Download spawned a spin-off feature film. And dang me, it’s a haunted house horror comedy. And while it’s not something that I would ever choose to watch, as a British horror completist I feel it my duty to view the screener I was kindly sent and report back to you what’s what. So, in summary: it’s not terrible and I’ve seen worse. Like the bands who feature on the show, it’s inoffensive, forgettable and corporate.

But it also has its moments.

There are five presenters playing themselves, or rather, their one-name screen personas, in this movie. Richard (Wisker) had been a regular on the show through all previous eight series; Dionne (Bromfield) was a regular up to series 7, and a guest presenter in series 8; Shannon (Flynn) had been part of the team since series 5; George Sear since series 6. Bizarrely, Bobby (Lockwood) hasn’t actually presented the TV series (according to Wikipedia) although he plays a presenter in the movie.

I’m sure each of these kids is the life and soul of the party in real life, but there’s precious little personality to their screen personas. Bobby is a bit dim, and frequently talks about his dog Cujo (a horror reference that’s never acknowledged or touched upon). Dionne is a bit vain and obsessed with make-up, hair products and skin conditioner. Shannon is probably the most rounded and interesting character, a take-charge Mancunian with a no-nonsense attitude. Richard and George don’t seem to have any distinguishing traits at all and I’m not sure I could even tell them apart.

The plot, such as it is, has the quintet finish the latest series of Friday Download and head off for a holiday in a battered old van. After pausing for no apparent reason at a cemetery, they get lost in the fog and crash (harmlessly) into a ditch, conveniently close to an enormous mansion that looks like the Bide-a-Wee Rest Home. (It’s actually Margam Castle, a gothic monstrosity near Port Talbot which was designed by Thomas Hopper in the 1830s for William Henry Fox Talbot’s cousin.)

This vast pile of masonry is inhabited by two posh siblings, Clara (Louisa Connolly-Burnham from House of Anubis and Wolfblood) and Caleb (Tiger Drew-Honey) who live alone there since their parents died. Drew-Honey was a presenter on Friday Download series 1-4 although he is better known for either (a) playing Jake in Outnumbered, or (b) being the offspring of porn professionals Linzi Drew and Ben Dover (depending on one’s own cultural sensitivities). Invited to stay the night, the five friends are shown to separate bedrooms, each of which contains appropriately monogrammed pyjamas.

Overnight, spooky things start to happen and this is where the film proves surprisingly effective, since some of these would actually be really good and scary in a proper horror film. Shannon hears a beeping, as of a smoke alarm requiring a new battery, and opens the door to the passage only to find it leads into an exact copy of her bedroom, including another door which leads to another copy. She ends up running through room after room in a brief but hallucinatory sequence that is not played in any way for laughs.

Richard (or possibly George) is woken by a wide-screen TV switching on which he groggily realises is showing footage from a camera somewhere in the room, of himself in bed, at which point a shadowy figure appears beside him on the screen. Dionne, going through her nightly rituals in front of a mirror, finds a scary-faced version of herself staring back. Bobby hears his dog at the door but is dragged under the bed by the unseen animal, emerging with shredded, slimed PJs. And something probably happens to George (or possibly Richard) but I can’t remember what.

The spooked kids head back to their van but find that it has left the ditch and somehow got stuck halfway up a tree. Forced to return to the house, where Clara and Caleb remain welcoming and understanding (if stiffly eccentric), the gang are joined by Fraser (Ethan Lawrence: Joe in Bad Education), who runs a ghost-hunting blog and has been camping outside the mansion grounds. Once he has sneaked inside with his new friends, Fraser goes exploring.

After spending the rest of the night sharing a single room, blithely unaware of the ectomorphic entities around them, the FD team are awoken by Mr Peck (Angus Barnett: Mullroy in Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 3 and 5), a property developer who wants to buy the house, knock it down and build something else. The precise details of the financial situation aren’t exactly clear. Peck has purchased a £20,000 debt and the siblings have until sunset that day to come up with that amount, otherwise he will own the house. Or something.

We also learn that Caleb and Clara’s late parents are haunting the place. We don’t learn at this point that the siblings themselves are also ghosts, although it was screamingly obvious from the moment we first met them.

The gang decide that they can raise the required 20 grand by calling in a few pop star mates and staging a concert in the grounds – which they do. Coachloads of screaming, pubescent girls arrive (plus one or two boys) and are treated to performances by Dionne (Bromfield is a singer, rather than an actor) plus Bars and Melody and The Vamps.

Apparently Bars and Melody are two kids who came third on Britain’s Got Talent and have subsequently had a top ten single and album. After this movie, they both became regular presenters on the ninth series of Friday Download. The Vamps are a four-piece boy-band who sound like a McFly album track and actually supported McFly on a 2013 tour (I’ve got no problem with McFly – plenty of McFly CDs on my shelf). Each of the three artists performs one song, intercut not only with shots of the screaming training-bra battalion but also with scenes of Fraser finding out the truth about Caleb, Clara and their parents.

Apparently – according to a spooky story told early on in the van, and a book browsed by Fraser – if ghosts are allowed to own the ground that they haunt, they can take over the world. Or something. The interesting upshot of this unique idea is that, in raising the required £20,000 (by passing a bucket among the crowd, most of whom presumably get decent pocket money), the Friday Download gang have actually done the wrong thing. They thought they were helping two new friends stand up to a greedy property developer, but they have actually brought about the end of mankind by unleashing unstoppable ghostly forces upon the Earth.

Well, I didn’t see that coming.

I’m prepared to give props to the film for not only that twist, but also for the way it gets out of this situation, which is that they use social media to alert every ghost-hunting nutter in Britain to the inarguable presence of two ghosts (the siblings having now revealed their true natures). An army of paranormal investigators immediately descends on the house and Fraser makes it clear that from now on the two spectres will never have a moment’s peace. This is enough for them to realise that they would be better off with their parents, which they achieve by magically entering a painting that Fraser found in an attic.

The final gag of the film sees the team heading off to a town which, it is implied, is populated by werewolves.

Obviously I’m not the target audience for this film so I can only offer my personal subjective opinion as a seasoned film reviewer. I reviewed plenty of kids movies back in the SFX days so I’m not completely unfamiliar with the genre and its tropes. What struck me most, I think, was that this is a curious chimera of two well-established themes. Normally when established entertainment characters find themselves in a haunted house, the template is Scooby-Doo and they work to solve the mystery and/or lay the ghosts to rest. Alternatively, there is the well-worn plot of needing a large sum of money to save someone/where/thing and achieving this by calling on showbiz mates to stage a mini version of Live Aid. Friday Download: The Movie bolts these two ideas together and the end result is not unsuccessful, to be fair.

More problematic for me is the subtext of the film, which is very much that there are the cool, beautiful people – and then there are the freaks and geeks. Though he is never rejected, Fraser is very much the outsider: a loner, an obsessive, someone more interested in research, discovery, heck just reading, than in ‘important’ things like pop music, partying and looking good. Because of his outsider status, he must be fat, with unstylish clothes and a bad haircut.

There’s a disturbing lack of diversity in the film. Apart from TBG Bromfield, the only non-white face is an obsessive mega-fan of the series named Darren (Nathan Bryon: Jamie from Some Girls). With his cheerily oblivious attitude to social convention and his lop-sided ‘fro, Darren is rather obviously modelled as a younger version of Moss from The IT Crowd (I don't know if he's part of the series or just created for the film). As with Fraser, he is a loner, desperately unstylish and classified as a nerd, a geek, a nutter. He can only watch the cool kids from afar; he can never be part of their gang, And that really is it as far as diversity goes in this film. There may be a few black faces among the hordes of little girls watching the concert, but everyone else is as white as sour cream. If you’re disabled, or Asian, or think you might be gay, or you’re a goth or an emo, or if in any other way you feel ‘different’ or are suffering the sort of emotional crisis that comes with puberty and adolescence – well, my friend, this is not the movie for you.

The subtext here is that cool, white kids with trendy haircuts and exciting media careers are so much better than you. If you don’t wear the right clothes, don't listen to the right music, don't have the right haircut, demonstrate weird interests like reading or science or history – then you are The Alien Other. You may look at the cool kids. You may speak to them if they speak to you first. But you can never be one of them. You are a weirdo, a loony, a freak.

In the entire film, I don’t think there’s a single character who wears spectacles. That, for me, sums it up.

Now listen. Yes, I know I’m reading too much into this. It is just a silly kids comedy with some slapstick and some pop music. And I’m not asking for some righteous, politically correct, box-ticking of a black kid in a wheelchair as a token member of the gang. I’m just saying that the presenters of a show like this, and hence the stars of a film like this, could be more representative of today’s youth, instead of all looking and sounding and behaving the same. And the script could have been less at pains to point out that Fraser and his many ghost-hunting web friends - who actually save the day, remember – are ‘nutters’ and ‘geeks’.

Just saying.

The film was directed by the very experienced John Henderson whose notable genre credits include the 1990s TV series of The Borrowers, Ted Danson starrer Loch Ness (and Loch Ness lite feature Mee-Shee: The Water Giant), Hallmarks’ The Magic Land of the Leprechauns, unfunny scifi sitcom Hyperdrive and legendary Doctor Who Comic Relief Special The Curse of Fatal Death. He also directed episodes of Spitting Image and brilliant Steve Coogan sitcom Saxondale. Scripter Toby Davies previously wrote sketches for Sorry I’ve Got No Head (oh yes, that’s another CBBC series we have actually watched) and That Mitchell and Webb Look, as well as episodes of Yonderland.

John Henderson’s regular cinematographer John Ignatius lit the picture; in his early career he was focus puller on Brazil and The Crimson Permanent Assurance. Production designer Blair Barnette started out in LA doing props and sets work on superior kidcoms like Clarissa Explains It All and Kenan and Kel before moving to the UK where she actually has a couple of BHR credits in Sightseers and In Fear.

David Mitchell, Kevin Eldon and Marcus Brigstocke make utterly irrelevant name-value cameos as respectively a creepy security guard, a comedy policeman and himself. Also credited as themselves are Connor Ball, Tristan Evans, James McVey and Bradley Simpson. I have no idea who they are (presumably they’re in the phone-round-our-celeb-pals montage) and I can’t be arsed to look them up.

Released theatrically in May 2015 as Up All Night (with a West End premiere), the film swiftly learned the lesson that TV spin-offs must have the same title as the show from which they originate so for the October 2015 DVD release it became Friday Download: The Movie.

MJS rating: C+

Princess Warrior

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Director: Lindsay Norgard
Writer: John Riley
Producer: Philip J Jones
Cast: Sharon Lee Jones, Mark Pacific, Dana Fredsti
Country: USA
Year: 1995
Reviewed from: Online version (naughty)

Princess Warrior has two things in common with Demonsoul. First, it was produced and distributed by Vista Street Entertainment, the stack-‘em-high, sell-‘em-cheap outfit whose greatest contribution to modern culture was dragging their Witchcraft franchise out to an incredible 13 films. The other connection, or rather similarity, is that like Demonsoul I have been waiting 20 years to see this.

Back in the 1990s, I used to collect VHS sleeves. I’ve still got stacks of them. You could buy them for 25p a pop from dealers at film fairs, or just save the ones off rubbish videos you had watched once and then chucked. Naturally I acquired a lot of them during my time on SFX. I don’t know where my sleeve for Princess Warrior came from, but it intrigued me. Two hot women fighting with light-sabres, one clad in a short, simple white dress, the other wearing a sexy black dominatrix get-up. Surely this must be a film worth watching.

In 1998 I found myself in Los Angeles at the AFM where I picked up what was sometimes confusingly called a ‘one-sheet’ for the film. Not a poster but a piece of glossy card about A4 in size with imagery and blurb, a promotional doodad for places like the AFM. It had the same image as the video sleeve. Except: I couldn’t help noticing that the VHS sleeve from the UK had an unexpurgated photo with a fine view of the sexy upper thigh of the white-clad actress, while the one-sheet from the USA had a pair of pink pants crudely Photoshopped into place! From such minutiae is an unhealthy interest begat.

I also met actress Dana Fredsti at the AFM, and did an interview with her which it looks like I never got round to typing up. It must still be in a pile of cassettes somewhere.

Over the years I kept meaning to pick up Princess Warrior, but I never saw a copy anywhere and when it turned up on Amazon it was too expensive for me to bother. But recently I was idly googling stuff and came across a version that somebody had uploaded to YouTube and I felt compelled to finally watch it.

When I eventually got round to viewing Demonsoul after two decades, it turned out to be a revelation, a seminal proto-text for the British Horror Revival. Princess Warrior was less satisfying though I did get some perverse pleasure from watching the thing. A bit like watching Wacko. I’m not saying it’s good. No-one would ever say it was anything less than utter crap. But that didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. And not, I wish to emphasise, in  a post-modern or ironic way. I genuinely did like watching this film, and would happily watch it again. About once every 20 years or so.

The story is actually mostly Earth-bound, but topped and tailed by scenes on an alien planet, a matriarchal society populated entirely by fit young women of the same age, except for the High Priestess (Selga Sanders: Interview with Terror) and the dying Queen Mother (Cheryl Janecky: Witchcraft II), who are what would later become known as MILFs. The Queen Mum (Gawd bless ‘er) has two daughters and by rights the throne should pass to the eldest. But this is Curette, a mean, dark-haired bully played with glee by Fredsti in her first major role. So in a break with protocol and tradition, the throne is passed instead to the second daughter - sweet, blonde Ovule, played like a plank of wood by Sharon Lee Jones (Leapin’ Leprechauns).

Well, I say throne. It’s actually a sort of vaguely futuristic-looking recliner. In one of those low-budget rooms where you can’t actually see the walls because that would mean building a set. There’s some sort of hooha between the two sisters and their acolytes – as depicted on the video sleeve, although that’s not an actual image from the movie - the upshot of which is that Ovule escapes by climbing into some sort of transportation chamber which looks for all the world like Bill and Ted’s phone booth. And to use this, she has to be naked for some reason. Though you don’t really see anything.

Meanwhile, on Earth, specifically in LA, we meet Bob (Mark Pacific). He’s currently employed as DJ in a dodgy bar/club owned by dodgy Italian stereotypes Vinnie and Vito (Lee N Gerovitz and Stephen J Cassarino, a double act who call themselves the Clever Cleaver Brothers, billed as ‘TV’s zaniest celebrity chefs’!). Right now, the club is hosting a wet T-shirt contest, which consists of three young ladies gyrating to Bob’s music while occasionally having jugs of water poured over their, well, their jugs. It must be said, this hasn’t exactly brought in the crowds. There’s just a handful of middle-aged guys sitting around, letting out the occasional half-hearted whoop.

The wet T-shirt contest is dragged out endlessly but suddenly ends when a fourth girl appears. Yes, it’s Ovule, whose BillandTedatron has materialised inside the bar, without anyone noticing, and conveniently next to the table with the branded T-shirts. This enables her to grab one and put it on before emerging.

What? You were expecting actual full-frontal nudity? In a Vista Street movie? You’re new round here, aintcha?

Of course, while the other three girls wear short, cut-off T-shirts and put their all into the bump’n’grind, Ovule’s T-shirt is long enough to effectively be a dress. And she wins for simply walking past the other three. Which really doesn’t seem fair.

Ovule runs out of the bar, frightened and confused. Bob goes after her and gets sacked for his troubles, so he hops on his motorbike and cruises the surprisingly empty night-time streets of LA until he finds her.

Meanwhile, the phone booth transporter has disappeared. When it reappears it contains Curette and two of her cronies, Bulimia (Isibella Peralta: Cybernator) and Exzema (Laurie Warren: Twisted Justice). I hope you’re laughing at these hilarious character names because they’re the closest this ever gets to actual comedy. All three are naked, of course, but once again you can’t see anything and they pass up any chance of a three-way lesbo clinch to slip into three more oversized T-shirts and then beat up all the guys in the bar for ogling them. After which they dress in matching lycra jogging outfits for the rest of the film.

And thus we come to what one might term the Middle Act, which drags on and on and on without ever really going anywhere. Bob attempts to help Ovule, who makes a token attempt at being dismissive of him because he’s a man although that aspect of the story is swiftly forgotten. We are introduced to two cops, clearly based on the Lethal Weapon model: middle-aged, black Matt (Augie Blunt: Hell Spa, Steel Justice, Club Dead and the voice of a spirit channelled by Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost) and young, white Johnny (Mark Riccardi, a stuntman whose credits include Star Trek: Generations, Die Hard 4, Big Ass Spider, the 2014 Godzilla and Battlefield Earth). For what seems like hours Bob and Ovule are chased around the dark streets of LA by the cops, by Curette and her cronies, or by the cops (with Curette and her cronies in the back of their car). Every time it seems like this part of the film is over, someone drives past someone else and suddenly the chase is on again. It’s extraordinarily dull.

Actually, the first introduction of the cops isn’t too bad and exhibits the sort of curious anomaly that Vista Street would sometimes let slip into their films. Curette and her cuties catch Bob and Ovule in a motel room and decided to torture Bob by heating a metal soup spoon over a stove until it’s white hot, then sticking it in his mouth. Fortunately Matt and Johnny burst in just in time to prevent this happening, but not before Fredsti delivers a staggering graphic description of what such an act would actually do, in medical terms. (This part of the script was apparently her audition.)

Intercut with all this are scenes back on the alien planet where Curette’s other acolyte Ricketsia (Diana Karanikas: Dead Girls, Tales of the Unknown) has locked herself in the room with the BillandTedotron. The High Priestess gathers around her Ovule’s followers (or possibly just slightly lower Priestesses – it’s difficult to tell and doesn’t really matter) who eventually concentrate hard enough that one of them is able to magically enter the locked room somehow, defeat Ricketsia, and send the phone booth back to Earth. Where Curette has finally been defeated, and Bob and Ovule have fallen in love, so that he returns with her to her home where they can jointly rule.

Or something.

Princess Warrior is rubbish of course. On any absolute scale of one to five stars this would barely merit the individual pixel on the bottom left point of the first star. But in the world of cult movies (and the people who make ‘em) scales are not absolute and there’s a camp fascination to Princess Warrior that makes it bizarrely watchable. Lots of it doesn’t really make much sense: apparently several bits weren’t filmed (hence the car chase padding) and other parts were directed by Brian Thomas, who was Fredsti’s boyfriend at the time. (Fredsti and Thomas are jointly credited as fight choreographers.)

The whole thing was shot in two weeks for 60,000 bucks, with far more time lavished on the wet T-short contest than on the climactic fight between Ovule and Curette in an old warehouse. But Vista Street sold it to USA Network who screened it in a late night slot for bad films, and between that and the UK rental VHS rights, they probably made a clear profit even before DVDs were invented.

Vista Street released the VHS in 1992 then sold the rights to Simitar Entertainment who put out a region-free DVD in 1997 followed by a two-fer disc the next year double-billing this with Eye of the Serpent, a 1994 fantasy cheapie whose only similarity is a ‘battling sisters’ premise. Amazon lists a Spanish VHS release from 2000. Apparently, Troma now have the rights: the film is available on VOD with entirely unrelated artwork showing a woman standing in a field holding a samurai sword. (?).

Many of the cast had never acted in anything before. Many – including leading man Pacific – never acted in anything again (at least, not under the name used here). One of the wet T-shirt girls was Heather Kennedy who went on to a successful career as a bikini model and competed in the Topless Dancer World Championship(!). Another was Janie Liszewski who was a dancer in From Dusk Till Dawn and then turned to stunt work, racking up credits including Spider-Man 2 and Looney Tunes: Back in Action. Fredsti made a couple more films in the 1990s - Time Barbarians and Bloodbath - before concentrating on writing. She has penned mystery novels, zombie novels and assorted scripts, and is evidently also very into cats, big and small.

Composer Marc Decker is Marc David Decker, the guy who scored The Dark Backward, Psycho Cop Returns, Soulmates and Bikini Squad. And not, I was disapponted to discover, Dr Marc Decker, Assistant Professor of Music at Northwestern Oklahoma State University. Editor Tony Miller cut Inhumanoid and The Omega Code, as well as loads of TV including Alias, Roger Corman's Black Scorpion and the US remake of The Tomorrow People.

Production designer Greg Hildreth (not the Broadway actor) has various credits on The Willies, Dead Girls, the original Mirror Mirror and Not of This World (a 1991 picture not to be confused with any of the various versions of Not of This Earth). The art director was my old pal Mark Adams, later director of Minds of Terror! Costume designer Roxie Poynor now does 'couture bridal gown design'; I think this was her only film gig. Cinematographer Robert Duffin also DPed  action thriller Cause of Death and had a number of cool credits as electrician/gaffer in the 1980s, including Prison, Frightmare and Evil Dead II. "Special visual effects created at William S Mims Productions" is the effects credit; Mims also worked on Time Barbarians and at least one Witchcraft sequel.

Director Lindsay Norgard is a bit of an enigma. When he shot Princess Warrior he was a 25-year-old kid from Michigan. The IMDB lists four other films as writer and/or director and/or producer between 1992 and 2006. I know he directed some commercials, including a superbowl spot for Dorito's. But beyond that I'm drawing a blank. Maybe he'll read this and get in touch. The IMDB thinks that writer John Riley was later a production assistant on Independence Day and Men in Black, which could be true. I think he's now a props maker.

Princess Warrior is a curio. It feels more '80s than '90s, like the film-makers had been watching some old Fred Olen Ray movies and decided to make their own. It really does remind me of Wacko in that there's absolutely nothing to recommend about this film, yet it's far from the worst thing I've ever seen and it exudes a bizarrely magnetic fascination.

MJS rating: C-

interview: EG Daily

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Confession time. I do have a short, personal list of  'people I would love to interview one day but probably never will'. Very, very occasionally the stars align and I tick a name off that list. In October 2015 I was offered the chance to send a few questions to one of my favourite actresses, voice legend EG Daily. Many thanks to Anderson Group PR for arranging this.

When you voice a new character in a TV series or film, what process do you use to create an appropriate and distinctive voice for her/him?
"The process for creating a specific voice for a character is... I look at a photo or some kind of claymation and decide based on the facial features what voice would fit that face. It is pretty simple and I don’t overthink it. I go with my first instinct usually."

While you’ve worked on hundreds of cartoons, your live-action work has been more select, leading to roles in several movies that now have cult status, like Streets of Fire and Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. What is it that you look for in a movie project? 
"I look for interesting roles that I can get lost in. I like to morph into someone else... different worlds, different make up, different experiences."

One of your early films, Greydon Clark’s Wacko, is not so well known as the others but is a particular guilty pleasure of mine. What do you recall of making that film?
"Ha! That’s funny - Wacko!! Yeah, I think I got my head chopped of in that one! And I recall having to make out with Joe Don Baker!"

How did you get cast in Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects, which was a big departure from the sort of stuff you’re known for, and what can you tell me about the forthcoming 31?
"My agents called and said I got an offer for a role that started that day! I ran in my agents 'office... read the role 'Candy', loved it, and said yes! It wasn’t till I was leaving the office they told me it was a Rob Zombie film! I was super happy about that. I love working with Rob, he’s amazing!

"What I can say about 31 is that it’s going to be awesome! My role 'SEX –HEAD' is one of my favorite roles ever!!! She’s bad ass and Rob is bad ass!"

Why did you decide to take part in The Voice and what did you get from the experience?
"A friend of mine got me the audition... I was so flattered that she would go out of her way to do so. I had to go for it plus I LOVE TO SING so I did it. It was like being at the best singing camp ever. It was such an amazing experience. Made me realize even more how much I love to sing and love music!!!"

Finally, of all the characters you have brought to life, who is your favourite?
"Tommy Pickles and Buttercup and Baby Mumble!!!"

website: egdaily.com

interview: Ben Steiner and Dan Dixon

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After reviewing the extraordinary short filmThe Stomach, I had to find out more about the film and the guys who made it. Writer-director Ben Steiner and producer Dan Dixon were kind enough to answer some question from me in October 2015.

Where did the bizarre central idea come from: a medium communicating with the dead via their stomach?
BS:"My first short, made twelve or so years ago, is about a cannibal human-meat salesman who develops the so-called 'shaking disease' common among habitual cannibals, and dies. I was ruminating on that short and got to thinking: 'what if, instead of a disease, he was tormented by the souls of the people he'd eaten, haunted from inside?' At the time I was reading Beyond Black by Hilary Mantel which is about a spirit medium, and also the bleak British crime novels of Derek Raymond, and all those threads combined into the idea for The Stomach."

What was your background in film-making before this?
BS:"I'm a self-taught writer and director. I used to do a lot of drawing but now don't have the time alongside my filmmaking and family commitments. My day job is advertising writing and I've written a few TV ads including a Gocompare campaign that Ben Wheatley directed."

DD:"I was first producing and directing in TV, and then moved over to visual effects production working at places like MPC, Framestore and Aardman. I most recently producing at The Imaginarium, Andy Serkis’ motion capture studio in London on the last Avengers film and Godzilla. I made some shorts at university but haven’t been inspired to get involved in anything else much until I met Ben; I loved his previous films and thought The Stomach was a brilliant concept..."

Can you tell me a little about the practicalities of the production: budget, schedule, locations etc? Did it all go smoothly?
BS:"We shot The Stomach in three and a half days, the film cost £15K to make (which we self funded as we could afford it at the time and didn't want to wait around for funding bodies to give us permission - or more likely not). We had the usual stresses of a low budget shoot but post production really did drag on - finding the right people was tough. We kissed a lot of frogs, so to speak. But we did work with a lot of great people across all departments, quite a few of whom we're hoping to work with again."

DD:"Something specific that the film required was for the lead (Simon Meacock playing Frank), to gain a more emaciated look than he does in normal life. As Ben had worked with Simon several times over the years and the part was written with him in mind, he was always going to play the role. This certainly helped as he was able to get his weight down over time, and then keep it low during prep. Our prosthetics guru Dan Martin, had to take a body cast of Simon (as well as requiring several subsequent fitting visits) and used this as a template for making four different versions of 'The Stomach': flat, mid size, full and then ‘empty’; so we needed his weight not to change while these were being made so that everything would fit properly during the shoot. Simon lost about 1.5 stone over 4-6 months by eating less, cutting back on the carbs and booze, and exercising more."

The film has played a lot of festivals: what sort of reactions has it had from audiences? Is it too weird for some people?
BS:"We've been amazed by the reaction the film's got. We're proud of the film, particularly the originality of the core idea, but we would never have dared to imagine it would go down as well as it has. Obviously, we're delighted. And it suggests that audiences want to be challenged and want to see horror taken in unexpected directions rather than riff on the same old tropes. Which is lucky for us as that's exactly how we feel."

DD:"Winning awards has been great for us and the film (22 so far), and we’re fortunate enough to have a few audience awards amongst them, two of which are from non-genre festivals, so I guess it demonstrates that audiences, genre or not, are able to connect to the film which is a fantastic result for us."

How will the proposed feature version of The Stomach expand on the story of the short?
BS:"It doesn't expand on the story in the short as such: it starts the same way but then goes somewhere else. The worst thing we could do in the feature is just show the stuff that's implied in the short. I don't want to say too much about the plot of the feature but the intention is to retain the vibe of the short but explore new territory (figuratively and literally)."

What other projects are you developing?
BS:"We have three other feature projects: a fresh. modern and extremely disturbing haunted house film called Dead Windows; a hallucinatory occult thriller called Mr Sundown and a mind melting account of a real-life vampire hoax that gripped Britain in the 1970s. We're pushing forward with all four and seeing which one flies first."

website: www.fumefilms.com

interview: Megan Freels Johnston

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Megan Freels Johnston kindly answered some questions by email in October 2015 after I reviewed her film Rebound.

What was your background in film before you made Rebound?
“I have been a producer for a long time. Almost ten years. I started as a producer right before the recession hit. It was a tough time because it became very difficult to get financing to make films. Even small films. My first project as a producer was a 30-minute short film called Sparks which was directed by Joseph Gordon Levitt and starring Carla Gugino and Eric Stoltz.”

How did you find your cast and crew?
“The first person who came on board was Ashley James. The original title for Rebound was PTSD and if you've seen the film you can figure out why that's a fitting title. Ashley is a friend of mine and an actress so she also came on in a producer capacity to help get the film going. Then through a women in film board called Nextgennefemmes I found Debra Trevino.

“The actors we auditioned. We rented space at Hollywood Casting and Film and put up our roles on LA Casting. As far as crew, most of them, I either found again through Nextgennefemmes or through the website Mandy. Almost everyone who worked on Rebound, I had not known previously. Just Ashley James and Wes O'Lee who played Gus were my friends. Oh and Brett Johnston is my husband who played Eric. He was also the Co-Producer of the film.”

The basic scenario of a lone woman tied up and tortured by a psycho is well-established in the horror genre. What do you think Rebound does that is new or different?
“I think Rebound is VERY different from films in that sub-genre. Rebound is far more about the lone woman's psyche than it is about what happens to her. I am very interested in what drives a person to make certain decisions. Psychological horror is definitely where I lean, as a writer and a filmmaker.”

Looked at one way, the film could be seen as misogynist; looked at another way it’s quite feminist. Where do you think it sits in terms of gender politics?
“I don't think Rebound is either. I think Rebound is about escaping more than it is about entrapment. Claire found something that was an escape from dealing with her emotions. People often do things that are bad for them in order to escape the difficulties of life. As for Eddie, I don't think he's a misogynist. I think he's a disturbing therapist for Claire. He's clearly crazy but he does make some good points.”

What is your next project, and how is the experience you gained on Rebound feeding into that?
Rebound was very transformative for me in terms of working in the film industry. You can learn so much in development or working on other films in various jobs. But making your own film from start to finish and wearing so many hats due to a low budget is an invaluable education. Rebound made me very excited to make another film as a director. I have many films I have written with other directors attached and with producers involved but there is one I will direct next. It's all about finding the money.“

Finally, what are your memories of your grandfather and what influence did he have on your work?
“Having Elmore Leonard as a grandfather was very inspiring. He was brilliant and he worked SO hard. He didn't believe in writer’s block and I have to say I agree with him. Elmore believed in keeping characters and plots simple. I think that is a good lesson when starting out as a writer or director. I think people tend to think more is more and I don't agree.”

interview: Dave Campfield (2015)

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Can it really be nearly ten years since I interviewed Dave Campfield about his first feature Under Surveillance/Dark Chamber? In October 2015 I decided it was about time that Dave opened up about his comic creations, Caesar and Otto, who have so far survived a Deadly Xmas, a Summer Camp Massacre and a Paranormal Halloween.

What was the inspiration for the characters of Caesar and Otto? Are they based in any way in yourself and Paul Chomicki?
"Paul and I were friends from High School. We were a few years apart but had a love of cinema and performing in common. We started collaborating on sketch comedy. What I mean by that is we'd get together, grab a camcorder and do sketches in our parents' basements to an audience of nobody. Caesar and Otto were two characters that emerged from those exercises. The two characters felt very right together. Paul has a good heart and is a hopeless romantic. He can also drag his feet to no end when asked to do something. Take those qualities and multiply them by a hundred and you have the core of Otto. Caesar is a self-absorbed, vain actor. I can't say I'm completely free of those qualities but he was more inspired by combining Moe from the Three Stooges with Felix Unger from The Odd Couple and Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard. With just a little bit of me for good measure."

What do you think is the difference (if any) between horror comedy and comedy horror?
"Horror comedy is a horror with comedy elements mixed in. The inverse applies for comedy-horror. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein is a comedy-horror, whereas I'd consider the Scream series horror-comedy. Caesar and Otto are firmly planted in the world of COMEDY-horror."

How do you manage to get so many cult movie stars (past and present) to appear in your films?
"It all started with Felissa Rose. I became friendly with her here in New York. Without knowing she was the star of Sleepaway Camp we began collaborating on my debut feature Dark Chamber. We built up a rapport, and when in production on Caesar and Otto's Summer Camp Massacre (incidentally the debut movie of Empire star Trai Byers) Felissa began suggesting some of her industry friends to take part in the movie such as Brinke Stevens, Joe Estevez, and very obviously, her husband Deron Miller. We reached out to more names with the following sequels. Apparently I'm easy enough to work that other horror icons weren't repulsed by the notion of working with me. And for a giant pay cut. Guess I've been lucky."

As writer, director, producer and lead actor, you’re a busy man on each production. Which job do you enjoy most and which would you hand over to someone else if you could?
"Give someone else the job of directing, stat! I hate directing. I hate telling people when their performances aren't working, I hate running out of time, I hate the constant job of compromising, I hate dealing with the endless stream of issues, dramas, and countless things outside of my control. On this budget most everything that can go wrong, tends to and it has nothing to do with me. I'm an easy-going guy who just wants to relax and enjoy the process. But that's rarely an option. At the same time, on this budget, who else can direct the movie with the exact vision I'm striving for. Director, for me, is just a necessary evil. And a lot of times I direct thinking of how I'm ultimately going to edit it in mind. At the end of the day, I love acting and writing, I enjoy editing, but I hate directing."

What sort of response do the films get? Do Caesar and Otto have a dedicated fan following?
"I've amassed a small but very loyal following... I have no idea of the actual numbers of people who have seen the series, those who loved it, hated it, or were completely indifferent but a core group of fans regularly reach out to me on social media. One person, who you can see at the end of Caesar and Otto's Paranormal Halloween even got a Caesar and Otto tattoo around his collar bone! We've made a connection with some people and that makes me very happy."

You’ve been making the Caesar and Otto films for a few years now. Great as they are, do you have a hankering to get back to straight horror, like Under Surveillance/Dark Chamber?
"If Paranormal Halloween doesn't perform, that might be it for the Caesar and Otto feature films. At the end of the day you want your movies to be seen by the widest audience possible, and if it's failing to reach that audience it might be time to take a step back from them. We can still do shorts now or then for the youtube.com/caesarandottoforever page, but a feature is a different story. I'm even exploring the idea of a Caesar and Otto comic book to following their continuing adventures.

"Up next I'm scheduled to delve back into the world of straight horror with a feature called Awaken the Reaper. It's time to return to the dramatic. The plan is to shoot in New York with my Paranormal Halloween co-stars Josephine Iannece and JamieLee Ackerman (who just won best supporting actress at the Tabloid Witch Awards for playing Kyla the cook in Paranormal). This is a script I've been developing on and off since 2007 and now's the time. I feel it in my heart.
 
"In closing, just wanted to take a moment to thank those who helped make the Caesar and Otto comedy/horror trilogy happen. Most notably producers and key on set production personal: Richard G Calderon, Daniel Sullivan, Scott Aguilar and too many others to name. I literally couldn't have done it without them."

website: www.davecampfield.com

interview: Tony Gardner

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After watching Tony Gardner's amazing micro-budget werewolf feature Dense Fear BloodlineI knew I had to do two things: watch its predecessor, the 50-minuteDense Fear, and interview Tony about his films. He very kindly answered some questions in October 2015.

Where does your fascination with werewolves come from? What are some of your favourite werewolf movies?
"I have always had a fascination with werewolves from around the age of 11 when I was introduced to the old classic Universal horror movies such as Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, Dracula and The Mummy. Those movies were amazing - and certainly left me with some great child hood memories.

"When I was around 14 I watched An American Werewolf in London. To be honest, it frightened the hell out of me. It certainly wasn't how I remembered werewolves looking. John Landis and Rick Baker totally changed the look of the classic werewolf and had it running around on all fours and I loved it! To this day An American Werewolf In London has to be my favourite werewolf movie to date, followed by The Howling then Dog Soldiers. I'm a huge fan of old school FX and all these movies relied on the practical side which I think looks a lot more scary."

What did you learn on Dense Fear that you were able to apply to Dense Fear Bloodline?
"When I began filming Dense Fear back in the year 2000, it was really before the digital era had kicked in. There was no YouTube and no social media sites to help promote the film. I actually did not buy my first PC until around 2001 so most of my early edits of the movie were done using two old video recorders rigged with a SCART lead. It was a nightmare!

"For the sequel I wanted to pick up the pace a little and really try and step things up with the FX side of things. One important peace I think that was missing from the original Dense Fear was a good transformation scene. As a werewolf fan, this is something I always love to see and I think fellow werewolf fans would probably agree. We also got a slightly better lighting set up for Dense Fear 2. It wasn't ideal, but certainly a big step up from using a torch and a peace of cardboard to reflect the light like we did on the first movie."

How did you make your amazing werewolf costume?
"Thank you for the compliment on the werewolf costume There was a lot of work put in to it and it did take some time to put together, I actually tried three different costume designs before I was happy with the final one used in the movie. Unfortunately I can't use a sewing machine, but I can stitch by hand and that's what I did with the costume.

"I used my own clothes as a size reference for the suit, I then bought a cheap werewolf mask online and personalised it adding my own paint job and fur on to it, with added glass eyes. My dad got to work on making the stilts for the costume which propped our actors up to seven feet tall. It did actually scare our actors on the first shoot at night in the woods, which I was secretly very happy about."

Both films took several years to make: how did you maintain your commitment and enthusiasm throughout that time?
"The first movie was a lot more straightforward to film. The only reason it took so long was the fact I had moved away from my home in Tyne and Wear down to Nottingham with my partner. The only time I could film was on holidays whilst visiting the Northeast. The second movie was a lot more challenging and it really did test me to the limits. The funding was a big issue and also actors' availability slowed things down a great deal. A mix of that and the great British weather letting us down a lot almost made me throw in the towel about halfway through filming.

"I did think to myself: 'This film is taking way to long and my actors are going to turn grey-haired by the time I wrap this thing.' But after a little time away from the project I kind of reviewed what we had filmed; it seemed such a shame to give up on this. I also didn't want to let everyone down who had given up such a lot of their time to make this and even the online fan base we had gotten who were dying to see the finished peace. So I tweaked the script so it would fit with our budget, cut a few scenes out of the movie which weren't really relevant, and we cracked on with finishing it off. It was a very hard film to make, but felt very satisfying to finish."

What is your favourite part or aspect of each film? What are you proudest of?
"I think for the first movie, just the fact of making my own werewolf film was a proud moment for me. I did go in to film-making self-taught, didn't really have a clue how films were made, I was kind of guided from my own creativity.

"For the second movie, again I think just the fact of sticking with this project for so long is probably the thing I'm most proud of. It was also nice to create something on such a low budget and still get feedback from true werewolf and horror movie fans saying that it is a good werewolf film. That certainly helps to make all the hard work feel worth the while"

What plans do you have for future productions, and for a proper release of DFB?
"I have just completed my next film which is a half hour short called Purple Hill which is due for release in February 2016 and will be heading off to film festivals. I'm also in in the early stages of casting for our vampire feature film which is due to begin filming May 2016.

"My plan for Dense Fear Bloodline is to do a re-edit of the whole movie and try and get the quality as good as possible for hopefully sometime next year. The completed movie will be available to buy on our website and will hopefully feature two discs: the feature film and also the bonus disc."

website: http://densefear2.webs.com

Sure Death

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Director: Masahisa Sadanaga
Writer: Tatsuo Nogami, Tsuyoshi Yoshida
Producer: Yoshiki Nomura, Hisashi Yamanochi
Cast: Makoto Fujita, Kunihiko Mitamura, Izumi Ayukawa
Year of release: 1984
Country: Japan
Reviewed from: VHS screener (Artsmagic)

This is an enormously entertaining way to pass a couple of hours and wonderful insight into a rarely seen part of Japanese popular culture, but if I said that I could follow what was going on in any significant way, I would be a lying git.

The print used by Artsmagic has the original on-screen English title The Hissatsu. Now, Hissatsu (‘determined to kill’) was a Japanese TV series which ran for several years in the 1970s in various incarnations, and which has spawned various movies, of which this seems to be the first.

In mid-19th century Edo, a group of professional assassins find that someone else is picking off their number one by one. And, um, that is the sole extent of the plot that I was able to work out. One of the assassins has a day-job as a corrupt cop, and there is some sort of comic subplot involving his wife and mother-in-law. A famous puppeteer is also involved in some way, and a couple of assassins work as roofing tilers, their preferred method of despatch being a well-thrown, sharp-edged tile. There’s a local gangster who runs an illegal brothel where he mistreats the girls, one of whom wants him dead because he killed the only thing she cared about in the whole world, a little kitten.

But as for who is who, who does what or why, I am stumped.

It’s a fantastic film to look at. The cinematography is gorgeous and the use of colour and geometric shapes in the compositions sometimes takes your breath away with its audacity. Though made in 1984 and based on a series which ran from 1972, the film looks much more like a product of the 1960s, especially in terms of editing, title sequence and music, which has a very spaghetti western feel to it.

What I suspect is that there’s a lot of comedy in this which just doesn’t make it through to this subtitled version. Without being silly or wacky, there is definitely a slightly tongue-in-cheek element, as in a sequence where they look to recruit other assassins and we meet one guy who runs a pet shop and has trained a small bird to peck poison onto people, and another who is a professional earwax remover and uses a concealed needle to stab people in the brain. Another assassin uses the ‘mole’ technique, of burying himself by corkscrewing straight down, then burrowing up to his victim before leaping out. This part of the film reminded me of the audition scene in Mystery Men.

But if there’s any element of humour in the dialogue it does not make it through to the English subtitles, and any character comedy is entirely lost on a British audience by our unfamiliarity with these characters. Because this is a spin-off from a popular TV series, there’s just no explanation of who anyone is; it’s aimed fairly and squarely at fans of the show.

The cast includes Isuzu Yamada (Throne of Blood, Yojimbo), Izumi Ayukawa (Baby Cart at the River Styx), Kunihiko Mitamura (Godzilla Vs Biollante, Gamera III) and Makoto Fujita (Zatoichi’s Cane Sword). Mitamura and Fujita were also in the Kinji Fukasaku-directed sequel Sure Death 4.

A terrific, exciting piece of period drama, but completely mystifying. Don’t expect the DVD notes to put the film in context or explain anything, because I wrote them and you can see precisely how little I’ve been able to find out about the film!

MJS rating: B

interview: Dan Schaffer

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I interviewed Dan Schaffer, writer of Doghouse, by e-mail on 2nd August 2008, the day that principal photography on the film began.

Where did the original idea for Doghouse come from and how has it changed over the course of the development process?
“Most of my horror comics are pretty off the wall or surreal, so I was looking to tell a more straightforward horror story for a change, but something with a big theme that would give it an angle and set it apart. I’ve messed around with gender politics before, but I’d always written strong female protagonists with varying degrees of feminist themes, so I had an idea to approach those themes a bit differently by switching to male leads and writing them from both sides of the gender fence at the same time. The guys in Doghouse are loveable and charming, but slightly clueless, and the women, rather than being mindless zombies, are all personifications of our heroes’ paranoia and fears of emasculation. Of course, this is all in the context of a classic zombie-style action movie with loads of blood and gore.

“The story has changed marginally during the development process, tweaks here and there to suit locations and whatever, but the core concept has always remained the same - how guys cope (or fail to cope) with social gender anxiety in the modern world. Jake West and I have worked close together to keep the film focused on that and on the right side of the line, whilst having a lot of fun with it at the same time.”

How did Jake get attached to the film and how familiar are you with his previous work?
“Jake and I are very good friends and big fans of each others work, so we’d been itching to work together for years. I wrote Doghouse for Jake so he was attached before I put pen to paper.”

What screenwriting experience have you had before this?
“I’d written two or three other screenplays before this one and sold most of them so I had a pretty good hit rate, but Doghouse kicked off very quickly and overtook everything else. It’s the first one to go into production.”

What are the similarities and differences of writing for comics and writing a film script?
“Swings and roundabouts. On one hand, comic scripts are harder because the visual language is completely unique. You have to carefully choose what you want to show in each panel to keep the information flowing in the right direction at the right speed, which can be tricky. A lot of information is carried between the panels in comics, and sometimes something as simple as a character opening a door can jam up the visual logic. On the other hand, there are no rules in comics, you can do what the hell you want, and if you want to jam up the visual logic for effect, no one's going to stop you.

“With a film script, you're still thinking visually, but you need more guts to break the rules because it's your arse on the line and a crew of a hundred-plus people relying on you not to fuck the thing up. Also, you're writing dialogue that has to be spoken instead of read, which is not even close to the same thing. But some of the action and movement sequences are easier with film. You can write a line of action and let the director worry about the camera angles and pacing.

“One of the major differences between writing for comics and writing for film is that in comics you are the writer and your word is gospel, because anything can be illustrated on the page. In film, you start out that way but as time goes on you eventually become part of a much bigger team. God complexes won't get you very far after that point. You have to be a team player, know how to listen, and learn how to give the producers what they want in your own way, without losing your own unique style or vision, because that's what they're paying you to do.”

Some people might view Doghouse as misogynist - how would you respond to that?
“I’d say look for the irony. I’ve been writing neo-feminist comics for years, so I’d say trust me and don’t make up your mind until you’ve seen it. Doghouse simultaneously celebrates and mocks lad culture. It’s about a bunch of down to earth, everyday blokes who don’t understand women but find themselves having to confront their prejudices in an extreme way. Their antagonists are all physical representations of typical subconscious male fears. So, it may well be a film about misogynists, but its certainly not a misogynist film. Doghouse is ultimately about gender politics or, to pinpoint it exactly, it's about how men fail to understand gender politics. So maybe that actually makes it a feminist film! I take the view that misogyny is not the opposite of feminism anyway, so with this film we’re playing with post-feminism and new-laddism in a way that’s playful and funny and certainly a bit cheeky, but there’s a big difference between not being PC because you don’t know any better, and not being PC on purpose to highlight a cultural condition.”

What scene or moment in the script are you most excited about seeing on the big screen?
“There are dozens of them, but I don’t want to give all the good stuff away. I’m looking forward to seeing the girls doing their thing. The make up effects are being handled by Karl Derrick’s crew and their work is truly stunning. Karl previously worked on 1408, The Brothers Grimm, Reign of Fire, and Harry Potter, so he’s very experienced and knows his stuff, and he’s pulled out all the stops on this one. The actors playing the infected women are equally fabulous. These girls are doing things I’ve never seen before in this kind of film, they’re going to be something fresh and new for the genre. I cant wait to see how the public responds to them.”

Website: www.danschaffer.com

The Brethren

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Director: Shane Wheeler
Writers: Shane Wheeler
Producers: Shane Wheeler, Liam Baines
Cast: Daniel Lovett, Ian Clegg, Scarlett Jasmin Groom
Country: UK
Year of release: 2015
Reviewed from: Vimeo
Website: www.facebook.com/thebrethrenfilm

The Brethren looks gorgeous, is finely crafted, has an original and suitably disturbing plot, and I haven’t the slightest clue what it’s actually about.

It’s always difficult to synopsise a ten-minute film without just describing the whole thing. But here’s the basics. A young man wakes up, goes into his garden, digs a hole in his lawn and removes an old wooden box. Inside are six sealed glasses of liquid. He drinks each one in turn, and something weird happens after each glass.

I could tell you specifically what happens, in the sense of describing what is on screen, but what would be the point of that? The film’s on Vimeo. It’s ten minutes long. Watch the damn thing yourself. Then tell me what you think is going on.

I have no doubt that director Shane Wheeler knows what’s going on, but frustratingly that’s not communicated by the film itself. Which wouldn’t be so bad if this was a cheapo piece of silliness but clearly great time and trouble has gone into this. And the results look great. But every film brings together three elements: the artistic, the technical and the narrative. Full marks on the first two; see me on the last.

Let me give you an example. The film’s synopsis says “A young man awakens from a vivid dream, compelled to go outside and dig in his garden.” But what we see is: a young man wakes up in the middle of the night, goes out to his garden and digs a hole. We have no way to know that he is doing this because of some compulsion, and certainly not that he has had a vivid dream. He could be digging up his lawn at half past one in the morning for a number of reasons. Maybe he was instructed to do so by someone last night. Perhaps he meant to dig up the lawn yesterday evening, forgot to do so and has woken up thinking “Oh shit, I’ve left that wooden box under the back lawn.”

Perhaps this was deliberate: he knows there’s something down there and wants to dig it up while none of the neighbours are watching. Perhaps he’s fulfilling a prophecy. Perhaps he’s just a nocturnal gardener. We don’t know any of this. We just know he digs up a box. We don’t know if he buried it, if he knew it was there, if he has been searching for it for years or just dug randomly on a whim.

The Brethren is a succession of impressive images but the narrative is too obtuse to work. I’m a great believer in ‘show don’t tell’ but what you show has to do the telling instead. This isn’t a film like Devil Makes Work which was basically a film poem, a pop video without the music. I’m sure there is a narrative in these 12 minutes and I’m frustrated at not being able to access it. Why is the box under the lawn? Why does he drink the liquids? Who actually are 'the Brethren'? Damdifino.

For most of the cast and crew, this is their first IMDB credit and it’s a good showcase. Adam-Thomas Bane, a freelance body-painter and stilt-walker, provided the make-up on Scarlett Jasmin Groom whose ‘conjured spirit’ is seen briefly but features prominently in the publicity.

I feel bad criticising a film made with such care and passion, but a film rests on its script, and the script here is too full of ellipses to actually tell a story. Still, I very much look forward to seeing what Shane Wheeler does next.

MJS rating: B

interview: Alice Krige and Alfre Woodard

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Star Trek: First Contact opened in the UK in December 1996 so this joint interview with two of the stars of that film must have been conducted shortly before then. Parts of this appeared in SFX.

It's a bit odd interviewing the two of you because you didn't actually work together in the film. Were the two halves of the film like making two separate films?
AW: “No, not from my point of view. Usually when you're making a picture, you only are experiencing what you're in, the person in the scene with you. So it'll be the same all the way through. As a film-maker it's your responsibility every day when you start out - or even scene to scene, or take to take - to keep in the back of your mind where you're fitting in. So basically a film is a story being told by a storyteller, who is the director, bringing to life the written word. So you're just a little part of that one storyteller's mind. So when you're acting a piece, you keep in mind how you're fitting in, I think.”

Was there much contact between the two largely autonomous casts? Did you keep track of how other people were getting on in their scenes?
AK: “Well, you know I came in for the last two weeks. We crossed on one day. Of course, the Borg were there for weeks. In a way they were the ones who crossed over more than others, except for people like Patrick, who obviously was there throughout. But they shot all the Borg Queen scenes in the last two weeks. You guys had been out in the trenches for months, out in Tucson.”

AW: “I think because they were so excited - the director and producers and make-up people - you heard a lot more about what everyone else was doing than normal. They were excited, talking about design, how to work out the problems of your make-up and costume. So everybody, even more so than normal, you kept in contact. You know, it's a script which jumped off the page itself. For me, it was thrilling to read. So I would ask: 'So what time do you start the part where - ? How did it go? Did so-and-so jump?' So there was that awareness of what was going on.”

Did you audition for your roles?
AK: “I did. They just asked me to come in.”

It must have been tricky auditioning without the make-up.
AK: “No, actually, because there was a line in the script. This is something that happens in America, You get what they call 'sides', you get the pages of a scene, which I find a profoundly upsetting experience. Because all you get are like six pages. You have no idea of the context, of the character within the whole, or whether there's any more of her for that matter. Anyway, I got the sides, and on my sides it said: 'The Borg Queen wears no prosthetics. She is, however, bald.' Now, I thought, 'I could get into that: being bald.'

"So I actually went into audition with no sense, no knowledge at all of what I was going to look like. I was under the misapprehension that I would look like myself but with no hair. So it wasn't a bother at all in the audition, because I thought I would look like myself. So I went in, did my sides, and then I went away, and I didn't hear again from them for three weeks. I thought, 'Oh well, that's behind me. Don't think about that one.' Then they asked me to come back, and we did it all again. And then they decided they would offer it to me.”

At what point did they reveal to you that you were going to have to spend several hours in the make-up chair?
AK: “Well, then I went away and I did something in Toronto, and I got a message from my husband saying, 'Paramount called and they say that you've got to go and have a live mask done.' And I thought, 'Whatever for?' I got there and I said to Mike Westmore, 'What's this for?' He said, 'Oh, it's for your prosthetics.' And my heart sank. Because I find it very difficult to work through a lot of foam prosthetics. Did you see that picture, The Island of Dr Moreau? The actors who were these partial creatures – half-human, half-animal - I thought they did such astounding work. They were encased. And it is so hard. I once wore an old-age make-up, I completely disappeared under it, and I found it very, very difficult.

"So when Mike Westmore said 'prosthetics', my heart sank. I said, 'Well, have you got any idea what it's going to look like?' and he said, 'Oh yes, there's a sculpture upstairs.' I said, 'May I go and look at it?' and he said, 'Certainly.' I went up there and I was astounded by how beautiful she was. I said to him, 'Is there going to be a lot on my face?' and he said, 'Oh no. We had the idea of Nefertiti. That was an image.' I thought, 'Oh well, that's not so bad, because she had this clear face.' I was astounded by what Scott Wheeler had created. I hate to think what Scott Wheeler dreams about! But I thought that what they had done was quite beautiful.”

How long did that take to put on and take off?
AK: “It took about six hours to put on the face and head, it took about an hour to get into the suit, and then it took two hours to take it off again.”

AW: “So how much shooting did you do?”

AK: “For the first six days, we worked 18-hour days. And then I started to lose it. I was getting so tired by the end of the day that I felt I was losing my grip on the character. I went to Marty and said, 'You're shooting yourself in the foot by making me work 18 hours a day.' And he said to me, 'Alright then, how many hours do you think you can work?' I said, 'You can't do that to me! You can't put the responsibility on me!' He said, 'Well, we've painted ourselves into a corner here, because we've got this much time left and this many scenes to do.' So for about four days we worked a 14-hour day and then it crept back up again.”

AW: “Did you have trouble getting the adhesive off?”

AK: “They were very careful. That's why it took two hours. Scott said to me, 'Where you really get damaged is when you take it off in a rush.'”

Like ripping off a plaster.
AK: “Yes. So he said, 'We're going to take our time taking it off. You're going to sit here for another two hours, but we're going to be doing it really slowly.'”

AW: “I just did a picture with full old-age make-up, and when I wear my gown tomorrow night, I've got tracks all along here. It took them an hour to get it off, and I had to go and sit in the steam for an hour. But they took it off with something that smelled like kerosene. And I told them adhesive burns my skin. They said, 'Oh, it'll be fine.' I've got scars all across here.”

AK: “Do you know, when I discovered that I was going to be wearing this, I called Mike and I said, 'In the last 18 months I've developed an allergic response to something, and we're not sure what it is. I've been going to a kinesiologist trying to figure out what this substance is that's giving me a sort of rash.' And he said, 'We will send everything to your kinesiologist.' They tested every chemical they used on me, and the ones that didn't work, they replaced. The ones that had a negative response in terms of the kinesiological tests and so on. They went out of their way to not cause any damage. I was so touched by the trouble they went to. They tried all the different adhesives, they tried all the different removing agents, and the ones that didn't have a negative response were the ones they used. They tried everything. You know they spray-painted the make-up on. They sent every combination of spray-paint they were going to use, and they tested them all. They really did go out of their way. When an actor says to a make-up artist, 'This is hurting me,' they really should pay attention, and Mike and Scott did.”

AW: “I was working on HBO and it was awful.”

On something like Star Trek: First Contact, where you have several heavily made-up actors like Alice and Brent and Michael, do the actors like yourself who can get away with a bit of base feel good about it or do you feel a bit guilty because these other people are suffering for their art?
AW: “Well, I don't feel guilty about it! I mean, they get to do a series for God's sake! I remember when they first started. Jonathan is an old friend, and LeVar. I looked at it in the first week, and I said, 'You know, that was really cool, but if this takes off, LeVar's got to wear that damn visor for the next few years over his eyes.' And sure enough... So when you sign that contract for a series, you know the possibility's there, but I would never have committed to doing something like that! I have my own little battle-scars from the flak, and diving and ripping all the skin off my elbows. Little marks everywhere from diving around. So I got my pay-off. But no, I don't feel 'guilty' about wearing less make-up!”

How familiar were the two of you with Star Trek:TNG and the Borg and so on?
AK: “I didn't know anything really, because I grew up in South Africa and I grew up without television. Television arrived the year after I left. So I was completely innocent of all these cultural icons. Obviously you knew 'Beam me up, Scotty' - it was like a phrase that had entered the vernacular. I had watched the Star Trek whale movie, the one about the whales.”

Star Trek IV.
AK: “Yes, but that was pretty much all that I had seen. When they asked me to come in and read for them, I got the Borg episodes from a friend. I thought I'd better get a sense of the universe. Then when they gave me the role I watched a whole lot of episodes, and I watched the Borg stuff again. Then I just watched Star Trek footage. Because the character was so out there, I was looking for catalysts, I was just trying to find out who she was. So I watched a load of Star Trek thinking that I might get some clues from it!”

What about yourself, Alfre?
AW: “Well, I didn't watch it the first time through, when I was really young, but then in college, sometimes I watched some of the syndication when it was on. I wasn't a TV person growing up, and I still am not now. But because I work in this industry, when one of my friends calls and says, 'I'm on such-and-such - watch this tonight' or I get a tape of it, then I watch it. That's how I saw it when it first came on: I knew a couple of people in it, so I watched a couple of times. So then when it was time to do the picture, I thought about just having a full film festival of Star Trek. Then I realised Lily has no idea where she is, she's not from their century, so I stopped myself. Normally I would have done that, but I stopped myself from doing it.

"To the point that, when it was time to shoot Patrick and I crawling along, and I've got him at phaser point; we'd done something together: 'Okay, a change of clothes and meet us over at the Jefferies Tube.' I go: 'Geoffrey's tube? Geoffrey's tube?' I assumed that there was a guy named Geoffrey, and there was something that we would do. And I get there, and the damn thing is like, only about this big! And he says 'You're going along at a clip on your elbows and your knees.'...! So I kept getting surprised all the way through. They would say what something is but I just had no idea, so I'd get there and: 'Oh no!' So I was constantly having that happen.”

How much contact have you had yet with all the legions of Star Trek fans that are out there? How prepared are you for this sudden vast increase in your fanbase?
AW: “I have no idea what it will be like, because so far it hasn't happened. Once it opened in LA, I was in Colorado for the next two weeks. The nearest Star Trek was 50 miles away! But one thing I have found out: I didn't know how many Trekkers there were amongst us, but my attorney is a hot-shot entertainment attorney, a feared and respected attorney. Maybe I can get him to visit me once on a three-month shoot. Every other day, I was going, 'Yes, you can come and visit the set.' He is wonderful and brilliant, he put himself through undergrad school as a lab researcher, so he had a science base before he studied law. He was just in heaven. He had never been so impressed!

"My dentist - he was a young Jewish guy; my dentist is a middle-aged Chicana, a Mexican-American woman - she was going 'clean, clean' and I said: 'Uhm unn Zter Drik.' She went, 'Oh my God!' Then suddenly my 14-year-old nephew said, 'I know everything there is to know. I'll brief you.' I brought him to LA for the day, and he knew the peccadilloes of every character and everything. So what's happening is that so far in my life, all the Trekkers and Trekkies have come out of the closet on me. I never knew they were there before. It's like pod-people!

"Gates tells a funny story about having emergency surgery, and how the doctor that came in to do it went: 'Doctor Crusher! My colleague!' Hopefully it'll remain funny. As an actor, I've never been recognisable to the general public. People that know me think I've only done one picture, and I've been working twenty years. They usually say things like, 'Good luck. I hope you get some more work.' And I go, 'Um, thanks.' But when you're having an anxiety attack in a grocery store; you're thinking about your father who's old, or trying to get to your babies to pick them up from school. Sometimes when somebody breaks into your thoughts, people don't realise, when they see you out going along, it can be very arresting. It's like being caught with your pants down. I would just hope that Trekkers can be more empathetic than the general population, and gently ask, 'How's your career?' Not going, 'Oh my God! You were so scary!'

What does your dentist feel about it, Alice?
AK: “I haven't told him yet. But my nephew came to tea yesterday, and could not believe that Worf and Data and Troi and Dr Crusher were all in this hotel. My status just went through the roof! I'm quite happy for more of that to happen.”

Ghost Story

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Director: John Irvin
Writer: Lawrence D Cohen
Producer: Burt Weissbourd
Cast: Alice Krige, Craig Wasson, Fred Astaire
No, seriously: Fred Astaire
Country: USA
Year of release: 1981
Reviewed from: DVD screener (Second Sight)

When I was offered a screener of Ghost Story, which will be/was released on DVD and blu-ray in December, I assumed that it was the 1974 British film directed and produced by Stephen Weeks. I happily accepted a copy because that’s a film I’d never seen. It turns out that this is the other Ghost Story, a 1981 Hollywood adaptation of Peter Straub’s 1979 hernia-inducing 700-page bestseller. No worry, I’ve not seen that either.

But reducing a book that big to 110 minutes of screen time means there’s very little of the actual story here. The novel is structured around eerie stories told among a group of four aged friends in front of a roaring fire. There’s some lip service to this at the start but it has no bearing on the main plot whatsoever.

Basically, when they were dashing young men in the 1920s, these four all collectively fell in love with a young lady, whom they wooed en masse. A terrible accident led to her accidental murder, a death in which they were all complicit. Now her ghost has come back, in an intermittently corporeal/ethereal form. The corporeal version seduces and becomes engaged to the son of one of the old men. When they split up, she becomes engaged to his brother, who subsequently throws himself out of a tower block window (a really lousy effects shot which opens the film). Their father also dies in mysterious circumstances which are recorded as suicide but we can see were ghost-induced. The remaining son finds a photo of the four pals from 50 years ago, with a woman whom he recognises as his ex-fiancee.

You can see where all this is going. The plot and characters of Ghost Story are as generic and obvious as the title. The script by Lawrence D Cohen, who had written Carrie five years previously and would later produce It and The Tommyknockers, has an uneven, unbalanced structure. There’s a whole load of stuff about the old men, then we get an extended flashback to the story of the son and his spooky girlfriend, then he wants to join the ghost story telling sessions in lieu of his father, then we get a second long flashback to the 1920s. Then finally, one of the other old geezers having croaked, the remaining two and the young fella attempt to resolve the situation by visiting the house where it all happened.

There are some curious brief scenes with a strange homeless guy and a creepy kid who presumably were significant in the book but whose presence in the film is as unexplained as it is pointless. The finale contains a number of inexplicable ellipses and includes a scene that was right royally ripped off by the feature film version of The Woman in Black.

Not nearly as bad as sometimes painted, Ghost Story is just a bit middling. It’s a major Hollywood Studio trying to do a horror film without really wanting to scare anyone. It seems curiously out of time. Was this really released in 1981? Just to put that in context, here’s a list of genre films released that same year: An American Werewolf in London, Basket Case, Cannibal Ferox, The Beyond, Friday the 13th Part 2, Halloween II, Nightmares in a Damaged Brain, The House by the Cemetery, Mad Max 2, Ms. 45, Scanners, Superman 2, Time Bandits, Escape from New York, The Evil Dead, The Howling and of course Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cinema had changed completely, but you wouldn’t know it from watching Ghost Story.

As if to emphasise how old-fashioned this is, the four old men are played by Melvyn Douglas (born 1901), John Houseman (born 1902), Douglas Fairbanks Jr (born 1909 but looking more decrepit than the others) and Fred Astaire (born 1899, who looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy). Craig Wasson (Schizoid, Nightmare on Elm Street 3) plays both sons (they’re meant to be twins but I didn’t notice and it’s not significant). But the main reason to watch this film is Alice Krige: monumentally hot, frequently undressed, dominating the action, smouldering on screen and letting loose one or two awesome screams. Dick Smith’s always excellent make-up provides the ickiness.

The four young versions of the main characters, who look so unlike the old stars that you literally can’t tell who is meant to be which, were played by Ken Olin (later a TV director on shows like Sleepy Hollow, The West Wing and Alias), Mark Chamberlin (Christmas Evil), Tim Choate (Babylon 5) and Kurt Johnson (who died just five years later). Way down the cast list you can spot a pre-Star Trek Robin Curtis making her debut. Cinematography was courtesy of the great Jack Cardiff; it looks fabulous, but horror films shouldn't look fabulous. The snowy New England locales full of wealthy WASPs give this the appearance of a TV Christmas special. The only black faces in the film are a handful of extras in scenes at the liberal arts college where Casson's character teaches.

The 2015 UK blu-ray/DVD from Second Sight includes a commentary by director John Irvin and interviews with Straub, Cohen plus producer Burt Weissbourn, Krige, and visual effects guys Albert Whitlock and Bill Taylor, plus trailers and TV spots.

MJS rating: B

The Devil of Kreuzberg

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Director: Alexander Bakshaev
Writer: Pippo Schund
Producers: Alexander Bakshaev, Mathis Vogel
Cast: Ross Indecency, Sandra Bourdonnec, Suleyman Yuceer
Country: Germany
Year of release: 2015
Reviewed from: online screener
Website: www.facebook.com/devilofkreuzberg

The Devil of Kreuzberg is what we used to call – and I guess still do – Eurosleaze. It’s very sleazy, and very European. It channels the spirits of Jean Rollin (whom I once had the pleasure of interviewing on stage) and Jesus Franco (who I never met). Scenes filmed guerrilla-style on the streets of Hamburg among lapdancing clubs, sex shops and gay porn cinemas almost look like they have been edited from something shot in the 1970s. These things, these places, they don’t still exist, do they?

Apparently they do.

Although it starts off rather confusingly, introducing us to several different characters, only some of whom will become relevant, after a bit this sub-feature length film settles down to a relatively straightforward plot.

Jakob (Ludwig Reuter aka 'Ross Indecency') is a thin, rather fey German writer with a mixed-race girlfriend, Linda (French actress/singer Sandra Bourdonnec). But he’s getting tired of her so asks his dour, East Mediterranean best friend Kurt (Suleyman Yuceer) to kill her, which isn’t unreasonable as Kurt is a professional hitman. But Linda has been convening with the spirit of her late grandmother (a graveyard voice which may be genuinely supernatural or may be in Linda’s head) who tells Linda that she is destined to kill her lover, just as previous generations of her family have done. Her surname name is revealed to be Karnstein but whether that’s meant to imply she's a vampire or whether it’s just a Hammer homage is something you’ll have to decide for yourself.

The finer details of the plot are more obtuse, but enjoyably so rather than frustratingly so. There’s a paucity of dialogue as Bakshaev tells us the story through actions and looks as much as spoken words (which are mostly German, occasionally English or French; subtitles are good and clear). Halfway through, Kurt and Jakob get up and dance to some 1980s-style synth-pop. It’s not just an interlude: it tells us about these characters, their attitudes and their relationship. The soundtrack mixes these sub-Kraftwerk keyboard noodlings with freeform jazz and spoken word samples. Like the film as a whole, it’s arty and artistic without being artsy or arse.

It takes a while to get used to the somewhat mannered acting but part of that is just the studied pretension of some of the characters. Yuceer is particularly good as hit-man Kurt, never betraying a hint of emotion through his face or voice yet still letting us see inside the character.

The IMDB reckons this runs 65 minutes. The online screener I was sent ran 42 and, while it didn’t have any opening titles, I doubt if they were 23 minutes long. Whether this would be better, less good or just different at that longer running time I couldn’t say. I certainly wouldn’t want to watch it for two hours, but it could probably work at just over an hour.

Russia-born Alexander Bakshaev has for several years now been an associate of Jason Impey, on both sides of the camera. He was in Jason’s feature Tortured and a number of shorts which have been subsequently combined into lash-up features. Impey starred as ‘obsessed film-maker’ George Eastman (hoho!) in Bakshaev’s 2008 sub-feature The Trip and was also in his 2009 short Bittersweet.

The Devil of Kreuzberg was mostly shot in Berlin (Hamburg sex shops notwithstanding) over 16 days for about 3,000 euros. Thomas Lee Rutter (director of Full Moon Massacre, Mr Blades etc, who receives a ‘thank you’ in the credits) gave the film a CD-R release in October 2015, including a Making Of and Bakshaev’s 2012 short Zartlichkeit.

Gritty, grimy, provocative and thought-provoking, The Devil of Kreuzberg is a toe dipped into the seedy underbelly of a world you wouldn’t want to visit except through a screen. In that sense, it’s pure, classic Eurosleaze. Bravo!

MJS rating: B+

The Day After Dark

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Director: Damian Morter
Writer: Damian Morter
Producer: Nicola Morter
Cast: Dawson James, Nicholas Vince, Sarah Cragg
Country: UK
Year of release: 2015
Reviewed from: online screener
Website: www.facebook.com/The-Day-After-Dark-157914397751157

The Day After Dark is a half-hour vampire short from Damian Morter, director of the terrific Book of the Dead (aka The Eschatrilogy) and the impressive but unreleased Bicycle Day. It’s a good-looking, well-produced picture with a solid central performance from Dawson James, but it’s not exactly overburdened with plot.

James (whose own short films include the sci-fi pictures HUD and Scale Down) plays Christian, a young man staying in a hotel for unspecified business reasons. His creepy boss Robert (Nicholas Burman-Vince, credited as just Nicholas Vince: Chatterer in the first two Hellraisers, more recently in Ashley Thorpe's Borley Rectory) calls him from a dodgy nightclub to explain that he has arranged a visit from an ‘escort agency’ for his star employee. A young lady (Sarah Dunn: The Stone: No Soul Unturned, House of Sin) duly turns up, clad in provocative red, gives Christian a lap-dance and then munches on his jugular – which would probably be a shock if someone came to this blind but most viewers will be aware that they’re watching a vampire film so will be fully expecting this. (They will also be wondering whether Robert's clearly visible red drink is just a Bloody Mary or whether the guy is actually in some sort of secret vampire establishment sipping type AB negative.)

(A quick note on Sarah Dunn as there are several performers with this name. This is the blonde lass from Manchester who sang 'Barbie Girl' on The Voice. Also does gigs as a Kylie tribute and does parties as Elsa from Frozen. Not to be confused with Sarah Dunn the former Miss Essex who plays Angelina Ballerina on stage and does gigs as a Jessie J tribute; or Sarah Dunn who was on X-Factor in 2010 as part of girl group Rococo; or the lead singer of American country and western act the Sarah Dunn Band; or indeed Sarah Jayne Dunn off of Hollyoaks. Anyway she's actually credited on screen as Sarah Cragg, which seems a sound professional move.)

The next day Christian awakes with confused memories of the day before, an aversion to sunlight, increased strength and a hankering for raw meat (there’s a nice little comedy scene with a waitress: “Well, I’ll ask the chef…”). However this is actually quite confusing because, Christian having just awoken and gone down to the hotel dining room, we assume he’s having breakfast. But he orders “the steak” and other people are drinking wine so - what, is it now lunchtime?

Wandering around afterwards, he despatches a couple of muggers before an encounter in a late-night car park reveals what he has become (which is fairly obvious, let’s face it) and why (which is a bit vague and unsatisfying, to tell the truth). He has a moral dilemma at the end, a choice which he sees as "no choice", then there's an unexplained, very brief final scene somewhere else, the significance of which is not clear.

The problem with The Day After Dark is that it’s all set-up. It feels like the first act of a feature or the pilot for a TV series. What will (or might) happen to Christian afterwards promises to be more interesting than the frankly generic story presented here. There is a sort of three-act structure admittedly: the phone call and lap dance; the breakfast and the muggers; and a very static, talky last ten minutes or so as Robert explains what’s going on. But we never find out anything about who Christian is or where he is or why he’s there or what he’s doing. He’s a completely blank canvas and consequently very difficult to empathise with.

The fact that his boss makes business-related calls from a pole-dancing establishment strongly implies (to this reviewer at least) that the two are involved in some seedy, probably illegal operation but if this is the case then it’s not touched upon. This is again problematic: is Christian a decent, honest bloke whose boss has decided to ruin his life (for his own Machiavellian ends) by ‘turning’ him; or is he a well dodgy minor gangster who deserves everything he gets? Christian doesn’t seem to have any serious qualms about calling a hooker recommended by his boss, and he evidently knows what’s expected when she gets there. So is he a good boy or not? Is he an innocent victim, or paying the price for getting mixed up with whatever nefarious business Robert runs?

Technically and artistically, The Day After Dark is some good, solid work (as one would expect from writer-director-editor Damian Morter), albeit bedeviled with a few pedantic, distracting background snafus. Christian’s phone seems to appear and disappear between shots; Robert asks him to look in the bedside drawer but it’s actually a cupboard; and in the restaurant scene an extra playing a different waitress, taking the order of a guy with a really stupid haircut at the next table, is still standing there a couple of minutes later. Well, she’s not going to last long in that job, is she?

The plot here is, in a nutshell: man gets turned into vampire. But that’s not a story, that’s an incident. I’ve recently been working on some two-minute scripts for The Impact, a project that Chris Jones (of Urban Ghost Story and the London Screenwriter’s Festival) is organising, and it got me thinking about what constitutes a story. It seems to me that a story, in its simplest form, is when something happens because of something else. There has to be both cause and effect. And that’s what’s missing here. If Christian being vampirised is the effect, we don’t have the cause. Robert’s explanation essentially boils down to him thinking that Christian is the sort of bloke that the vampires should have on their side, but there’s no justification for this: Christian isn’t special in any way: why him, why now? Conversely, if Christian’s vampirisation is the cause, then we’re left to guess the effect - on Christian and on Robert’s vampire society - as the credits roll.

‘Man gets turned into vampire’ is all well and good but it's only ever going to be part of a story. Furthermore we need to meet the man beforehand so that we can see the difference. We know absolutely zip about Christian, hence we’re looking everywhere for clues. Is he a gangster? Is he a shoe salesman? Is he married or single? Gay or straight? Does he have any friends or social life? Is he a workaholic? We look, but there’s nothing to see – and it’s quite possible that this enforced, unfulfilled attention to detail actually impairs the movie by increasing our likelihood of spotting irrelevant minor goofs like the moving phone and the static waitress.

The cast also includes Clay Whitter (Banjo, The Lost Generation), Zoe Simone (Bicycle Day), Kris Sommerville (Cockneys vs Zombies, Shame the Devil, Eve's Demons) and Tim Grieveson. All of those were also in Book of the Dead. Rock guitarist Mik Crone is a policeman; Sandy Slade (Wasteland and assorted Philip Gardiner pictures) is in the epilogue; one of the pole dancers in the opening scene is Jane Haslehurst from Legacy of Thorn.

I enjoyed The Day After Dark. It's well produced and deftly directed - but I couldn't help but be disappointed at its lack of narrative ambition.

MJS rating: B

WebKam

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Director: James D Layton
Writer: James D Layton
Producer: James D Layton
Cast: Eleanor James, Joanne Gale, Kim Sønderholm
Country: UK
Year of release: 2014
Reviewed from: YouTube

I was always a big fan of Eleanor James.  Between 2005 and 2012 she appeared in more than 30 films, mostly British horrors but also some overseas stuff like Karl the Butcher vs Axe and Colour from the Dark. Whether it was something well-crafted and entertaining like Hellbride or Bordello Death Tales, or a piece of forgettable nonsense like Le Fear 2, or just a cameo like the spoof advert in Harold’s Going Stiff, Ella always brought a real sense of class to a production. She was a good actress, sympathetic to genre and budget level, with a good scream and unafraid to either add blood or remove clothes. She has been retired these three years gone by. Don’t know what she’s doing now but I hope she’s happy and settled and doesn’t regret her not insignificant contribution to 21st century British horror cinema.

Because these things can take time, quite a lot of Eleanor James’ roles didn’t appear until after her retirement from acting. David VG Davies’ Monitor was finally released a couple of weeks ago. Three’s a Shroud is due out next year. Forest of the Damned 2 and Chinese Burns remain in limbo. I had WebKam down for a similar fate but, to my surprise, it has actually been released.

Way back in August 2008 James D Layton (who at the time was using the name Ibraheem James Layton, for some reason) sent me some stills from WebKam, which he had just shot (in Birmingham, over a single week). Nothing happened for a very long time and the film seemed to be a lost one. Then in August 2013 a trailer appeared on YouTube (since removed) suggesting that a release was imminent.

It turns out that the whole film was posted on YouTube in December 2014, although it took me eleven months to notice it (in which time it accrued 2,800 views). The YouTube account, on which is the sole video, is called Boneyard Models but it seems to be official because that’s the same hoto pf Layton and his girlfriend that’s on his Amazon page (he now writes romantic fantasy novels).
So, after a mere seven years, I finally sat down to watch WebKam. Was it worth the wait?

Sadly, no. WebKam turns out to be a load of cheap, dull, amateur, misogynist torture porn. Not even the delightful Miss James can save this one. Damn.

Eleanor is Victoria and Joanne Gale (When Evil Calls, Survivors) is her friend Lilly. Victoria, who has recently split up with her boyfriend Matt and also quite her job, finds that her PC has somehow logged itself onto a site with pictures of a creepy clown-masked figure called Kam. Laving Lilly on the computer, Victoria has a nap, after which she finds that Lilly has gone and left a note. But then it transpired that Kam has kidnapped Lilly.

The bulk of the film is Kam, leaning over Lilly, who is tied to a chair, ordering Victoria to do certain awful things to ostensible save her friend. Nominally connected to the seven deadly sins, these include extracting one of her own teeth, carving a word into her forearm, cutting her hair, drinking a glass of petrol, removing her panties and carving a lump of flesh out of her thigh.

The actual set-up is a bit vague to be honest, not helped by this version (which runs exactly one hour) apparently missing some scenes. So although Victoria has one hour to ‘save Lilly’ (and I fact sets a kitchen timer to this effect!) it’s not clear what will happen at the end of that hour. Will Kam just let Lilly go? We also seem to be missing the bit where Kam introduces himself to Victoria at the start, and the ‘drinking petrol’ bit seems to come out of nowhere. But even if those were included, this wouldn’t work. It’s basically a first draft script based around the loose, unpleasant idea of a psycho in a mask forcing an attractive, lone woman to injure and humiliate herself. If you get your rocks off on movies like that, please go read somebody else’s website. I’m not a prude and I’ve certainly never been PC, but pointless sadism like this is just boring.

The one and only bit of character development comes when Lilly, who gets her ear cut off at one point, tells Victoria that she slept with Matt. At the end there’s a ‘twist’ which is completely predictable and obvious and serves only to reinforce how desperately short of imagination this whole film is.

Technically it’s not much to write home about either, being shot almost entirely in one kitchen (presumably Layton’s own). The webcam footage of Kam and Lilly is, according to the dialogue, in a concrete room underneath a lake. Except it’s plainly just a garden shed, quite possibly the one we’ve seen outside in Victorua/Layton’s own back garden. Craig Whyte’s camera-work is shaky, the lighting is flat (is this the same Craig Whyte who directed sci-fi short Hypersleep and now makes documentaries about mental health?). The sound isn’t great and Kam’s voice is so electronically distorted that you can barely make out what he’s saying. (Kam is played by Danish actor/film-maker Kim Sønderholm whose UK horror credits include Sam Walker’s Tag and James Kennedy’s Dead City, plus David Noel Bourke’s thriller No Right Turn, a trying-too-hard Canadian thing called Zombie Werewolves Attack!, lots of shorts and feature lash-ups and his own 2008 horror-thriller Craig.)

The YouTube version of WebKam rather cruelly only credits James and Sønderholm on screen – plus Layton himself of course, who also edited – but not Gale (who, like Ella, gives a performance that’s way better than the material deserves). Neither does DP Whyte get a credit, nor Aimee Long who provided costumes and make-up (including the surprisingly effective leg-carving effect). She now does beauty/wedding make-up. Stills photographer Suzanne Cook is the only other name on the IMDB or EOFFTV pages.

Layton’s production company name was originally ‘Oh Gosh! Productions’ but the finished version, which carries a 2014 copyright date, is credited to ‘Crowmarsh Studios’. (The Inaccurate Movie Database has this down as a 2010 film, which is two years after it was made ad four years before it was released.)

In 2011 James D Layton was attached to a mooted found footage horror called Hayze which fell apart before it could teach production, and since then he has been concentrating on his books. It’s good to finally be able to take WebKam off the list of MIA 21st century British horrors, but I can see why it was never properly finished. Its release on YouTube adds another piece to the jigsaw puzzle, but its absence was no great loss to cinema and there’s no reason to watch it unless you’re a British horror completest and/or a serious Eleanor James fan.

MJS rating: C-

Do Not Disturb

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Director: Jon James Smith
Writer: Jon James Smith
Producer: Alexander Glenn Prather
Cast: Ron McMahon, Kathryn Leeman, Richard Shelton
Country: UK/USA
Year of release: 2015
Reviewed from: online screener
Website: www.jonjamessmith.com

Well, here’s an absolutely terrific little short that ticks all the right boxes. Do Not Disturb is a skilfully crafted thriller with a twisty-turny plot and really the only criticism I can lay against it is that, once it has subverted our expectations a couple of times we no longer believe anything it tells us. Which unfortunately makes the final twist completely predictable. But this is so well made, in every respect, that this really, really doesn’t matter.

Running just 14 minutes, this is tautly plotted; not a word of dialogue, not a shot or edit is wasted in telling us an actually quite complex story. I’ve seen films that took 30 or 40 minutes to tell a tale simpler than this.

George (Ron McMahon: The Witch Chronicles) is a married businessman with a penchant for motels and hookers. When his latest rental proves more interested in violence than passion, he’s forced to tell his wife Margaret (Kathryn Leeman) to empty all the bank accounts as ransom for his release. And more than that it would be remiss of me to tell you. I came to this film completely blind; I recommend you do so too. Only to note that the other main role, Detective Forbes, is played by Richard Shelton who used to be Dr Forsythe in Emmerdale and is now a Hollywood actor and Frank Sinatra impersonator!

It’s Jon James Smith’s attention to detail that really impresses. After a night tied up, the first thing that George’s kidnapper does is pour a little water into his mouth. A scene on some baseball bleachers has one other person sitting there: no-one would have sent the wrong signals, as would multiple background extras. Just that one guy, in that one place on the screen: that’s what good mis-en-scene is all about.

The camera-work by Leonardo Agrizzi Netto (Harry and the Succubus, Making a Monster) is bang-on, in both the lighting and the crucial framings which are as much a part of the story-telling as the actors and the script. And a big thumbs-up for sound mixer/recordist Elizabeth Avalos whose work is a huge part of the film’s success. It’s clear that writer-director-editor Smith and producer Alexander Glenn Prather have pulled together a talented cast and crew who have synched perfectly.

Smith is a British director/cinematographer whose DP credits include Anthony Powell’s short Slashimi and Jason Croot’s original Le Fear (but not its sequel). His previous shorts as director were Spira (horror) and Linen White (sci-fi). For Do Not Disturb he travelled out to LA with a mixture of British and American crew, and he considers this a UK/US co-production – which is good enough for me.

Do Not Disturb has won a bunch of awards including some at the 2015 British Horror Film Festival, and is scheduled to screen at the 2016 Horror-on-Sea. Which is slightly odd because, apart from the opening scene with the prostitute (who owns a Stanley knife) there’s nothing approaching horror here and I certainly wouldn’t class this as even a borderline horror film.

Nevertheless, hugely recommended.

MJS rating: A

Spiritual Contact the Movie

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Director: Emerson Pinheiro
Writers: Emerson Pinheiro
Producer: Emerson Pinheiro
Cast: Adam Wilson, Nick Quye, Lousa Leal
Country: UK
Year of release: 2014
Reviewed from: YouTube
Website: www.atalaiafilms.com

In an infinite universe, there’s room for everything. MindFlesh was a Buddhist British horror movie. It’s a Wonderful Afterlife was a Hindu British horror movie. Spiritual Contact the Movie is a Spiritualist British horror movie. I doubt if it’s the only Spiritualist horror movie ever made – there’s probably quite a few come out of Nollywood over the years. But it’s probably the only one ever made in London.

Adam Wilson (Gordon in Mr Selfridge, more recently in Broadchurch) turns in a solid, mature performance as Jeremiah, a 11-year-old lad who starts seeing mysterious, dark-robed, non-corporeal figures. He lives in a suburban semi with his English, disabled dad John (Nick Quye, who was a zombie victim in Devil’s Playground), his Brazilian mum Helena (Lousa Leal) and his two elder siblings, Chris (Prentice Garces) and Jennifer (Alana Boden, who was Gordon’s sister Beatrice Selfridge)

John and Helena are decent, God-fearing folk who have brought their kids up right, although Chris is showing signs of dangerous teenage rebellion fuelled by his interest in what Rev. Lovejoy would recognise as “rock and/or roll”. Jeremiah’s visions start after he uses a voodoo doll to take revenge on a neighbour who was mean to his mother, although this is never followed up.

The young lad starts attending a nearby church with a schoolfriend, which strikes me as a bit odd. His parents are at first wary of letting him attend evening services that finish at 9.00pm, but later when John gives Jeremiah a lift it transpires that they don’t actually know where this church is. Anyway, the pastor (Andy Douglas) gives Jeremiah some advice, as does a friend’s grandmother (Andrea Francis). His father gives him “the best present anyone can receive” – a Bible. Concerned about their younger son’s mental condition, John and Helena send him to a psychiatrist (Luca Della Valle, who was a security guard in the Man from UNCLE film) where Jeremiah discloses that he can see the guy’s guilt over a sexual assault. But as with the voodoo doll, this is an isolated idea which doesn’t seem to relate to anything else in the film.

Towards the end of this short feature (running just 66 minutes), Jeremiah reads a couple of scripture passages out loud, and the film ends with a quote from writer-director-producer Emerson Pinheiro (who also plays the spirits in the effects shots).

Pinheiro based this on his own childhood experiences in the mid-1990s, and who am I to doubt either his religious beliefs or his genuine belief that these events happened to him? That’s not really my concern: I’m interested in how this functions as a horror film. And ‘surprisingly well’ is the answer. The spirit effects are creepy, and there’s one particularly effective dream sequence when Jeremiah is physically yanked from his bed by a cowled spirit which grabs him by the ankle, pulls him onto the floor and then threatens him with a machete.

The acting varies considerably but none of it is truly awful. The photography, shared between Pinheiro and Dave Moyle (whose own shorts include The Supernatural Event, on which Pinheiro helped out), is basic but functional, and the sound is good. All the dialogue is subtitled in Brazilian Portuguese (except for one short scene where two characters speak that language and the subtitles are English) - another way in which this film is unique among the 600 or so horror films made and released in this country in the past 15 years.

Given that there’s not a huge amount of plot, the script by Pinheiro, Moyle and Neville Crabe is surprisingly coherent and well-structured. There are a few too many scenes of people just arriving or leaving places which aren’t needed, without which this would probably run dead on an hour (give or take) but that’s not an egregious problem.

Interestingly, although Adam Wilson is himself devoutly religious, he’s not a Spiritualist, he’s a Mormon – which, for the benefit of the Godless, heathen hordes among you, is a completely different thing. Lamin Tamba (The Devil Went Down to Islington) and Priscila Gomes play the neighbours; Claire Greasley (Death Walks, Rock Band vs Vampires) and Chris Cowlin (Woman in Black 2, May I Kill U?, The Seasoning House, Scar Tissue) are among the congregation. Shot in 2012, the film premiered at the Phoenix Cinema in East Finchley in January 2013 and also screened at the Portobello Film Festival in September that year. In November 2014 Pinheiro posted the entire movie onto YouTube. Since shooting this feature he has made several shorts in different genres.

Horror fans relish something new and different, and Spiritual Contact the Movie is certainly that. It’s religious but neither preachy nor evangelical. It’s clearly been made for a religious audience, or at least approached from a religious perspective, but that’s not a problem. Followers of the Spiritual Church movement believe in the absolute existence of spirits and the paranormal. Fans of horror movies enjoy tales about spirits and the paranormal. It’s a perfect match.

MJS rating: B+

interview: Terry Gilliam

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This is simply one of my favourite interviews that I have ever done. I spoke with Terry Gilliam over the phone in February 1996 as part of SFX's coverage of 12 Monkeys. He was an absolute joy to talk to: completely open and honest and very funny. If there's one person I'd interview again like a shot it's Terry Gilliam. This was posted here in November 2015 to celebrate Terry's 75th birthday. Lord Gilliam of Python, we salute you!

How and when was 12 Monkeys first pitched to you?
“We shot about a year ago, so it was about a year before that. It was smuggled to me by a guy at Universal who said I ought to read it because it was the kind of dangerous, interesting stuff that nobody else in their right mind would make.”

What made it stand out?
“It was very complex, very intelligent, very funny, very dark. As much as anything, the ending intrigued me, plus the idea of somebody seeing their own death was very poetic and interesting. I didn't immediately leap to do this film because I was working on a couple of my own projects, and also Tale of Two Cities. For a variety of reasons, these other projects all died, and Chuck Roven, the producer of 12 Monkeys, was a very tenacious guy who wouldn't let go. He kept dragging me off to meetings with David and Janet Peoples, and just kept pestering me until I had to say yes.”

Was the initial script very different to what ended up on screen?
“I don't think so. Obviously details are different and certain things are probably simplified, but it's basically that. It's those characters doing those things, saying most of those lines. As a film develops it always takes on a life of its own, and for me it was always a matter of keeping in touch with David and Jan to see that we weren't going astray from what they intended. They seemed to like what we were doing, so on we marched.”

How involved were you with casting the film?
“Totally. That's a key part of making a film. If you get the casting right, then your work is quite easy. That's what I do.”

What made you go for Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt?
“They were two quite separate problems, because we'd reached a point on the film where I was trying to do it more cheaply. I didn't want to get involved with big stars, because they tend to raise the price of things. The studio were rather nervous about the film because they thought it was too intelligent, too demanding, too complex, all those things. They insisted at one point that we have a star in the lead role. Well, I listened to their suggestions and walked away from the film for a few weeks, because I said, 'This is crazy.'

"Then I got a call from my agent saying that Bruce was very keen to do this thing, and I'd met him before, and liked him. So Chuck Roven and I set sail for New York and had an evening with Bruce, talking through what I felt the film should be, and my fear of superstars. How I wasn't interested in Bruce Willis, superstar, but Bruce Willis, actor intrigued me a lot. We got on and we all seemed to agree on what we were talking about doing here. So I said, 'Fine, Bruce is great.' So at that point the film was in motion and happening.

"The fact that Brad was very keen to get involved was totally separate and was basically the icing on the cake. He was very determined to be in the film. I wasn't certain whether he could pull it off. It was such a crucial part and it was so different from anything he'd tried before, I was understandably nervous. But he came to London and we had dinner and I really liked him. I thought he was incredibly determined and earnest. I thought, 'Now we're playing safe by having someone like Bruce in the film, let's play dangerous by having somebody like Brad in the film.' What I like when I make movies is trying to shift people's perceptions of the world, and part of the world is superstar actors, so if you can change people's view of what they are capable of, that's as interesting as anything else.”

Like having De Niro with his head in a bag.
“Yes. You take somebody that everybody thinks. 'Oh, he's that,' and then you shift it. I'm determined to continue to concentrate on doing this, because everybody gets very lazy and wants the world neatly packaged for them, and I don't like that.”

One name I was surprised to see was Simon Jones. I thought, 'My goodness, where's his hair gone?'
“Age comes to us all.”

Is that the first time you've worked with him since Meaning of Life?
“Was Meaning of Life after Brazil? I can't remember. He's in Brazil as the arresting officer at the beginning who sets the whole thing going by arresting Mr Bottle. Simon's married to a lady named Nancy Lewis who looks after Python in America.”

The same names do seem to crop up in the cast lists of your films.
“These people won't leave me alone. They keep bothering me, begging me! If I'm going to come round for dinner, I've got to at least return the favour somehow.”

On a lot of your films you have the same cinematographer, Roger Pratt. How much do you think he contributes to the look of your films?
“I find it very hard to separate me from Roger and vice versa. We just work very easily together. We talk about ideas and ideas just flow. He's a brilliant cameraman, and we're good friends, so we don't spend much time arguing theory or anything. We just go, 'Let's make that moody, and that should be light and beautiful,' and off Roger goes. It's really hard to know how it works. I really honestly don't know, I don't even think about it. We just go to work in the morning and make pictures, and Roger's brilliant. We always talk it through and we always have a plan of how we're going to light something, but it's all done fairly pragmatically. Roger's very fast as well, so I'm seldom waiting for him.

"What was interesting when we did Brazil was that he was playing around using warm and cold lights in the same shot, which people weren't really doing at the time. That created a very distinctive look. It actually became very much like German expressionist painting, using colours in those ways. That worked very well. On this one, we didn't do that the same way. You just look at the scene and think, 'We'll put a light over there and another one over there,' and do that. It's not much more theoretical than that. We both just happen to see things in a different way.”

How do you feel about the term 'Gilliam-esque'?
“I don't even know what that means!”

It's a 'look' that some films have, where you say, 'Oh, it's very Terry Gilliam.'
“I can only think that applies to wide-angle lenses, over-busy frames, tons of stuff in there. I suppose there's a quirkiness in my stuff; things I've taken so seriously that you can't find things to giggle at. I like the idea of making images that are so complex that people have to go and see a few times to get the full benefit.”

The last Gilliam-esque film I saw was The City of Lost Children. Have you seen that?
“Yes, I'm friends with Jeunet and Caro. I think they're great. Part of it is that we come from the same background. They come out of comic books as well. So they've got cartoonists' viewpoints when they look at things. I'm sure that's where the similarity comes from. I think the Coen brothers, in a strange way, have it as well. That's probably because they come from Minnesota, and that's where I come from as well, so it's obviously in the water there. I like pushing the limits of what you can do with lenses and how you frame shots. We went fairly crazy in 12 Monkeys with Dutch angles.
Seldom is the camera actually level.

"But there's an intention behind that; it's not just because it's a silly thing to do. It's to try to disorient the audience in a sense as the characters are disoriented. Nothing is quite level, nothing is quite what it seems to be. In fact when it does go normal, to me those are the interesting shots, because suddenly, after all these strange angles, to go 'klunk!' and it's level and flat and it's reasonable. It always jumps off the screen when it happens, at least it does in my stuff.”

12 Monkeys is based on a short film by Chris Marker called La Jetée.
“A lot of people are spending a lot of time on that one. The press releases didn't even include it, because it's inspired by it, rather than 'based upon'. What it's taken is the idea of somebody being sent back in time, somebody with a dream that turns out to be their own death, and finding a woman that he falls in love with. That's it. That's not anything to be sniffed at - those are all good and wonderful ideas - but I think that what David and Jan did was write something much more rich and complex. It's about many more things than La Jetée was.”

What did Chris Marker think of 12 Monkeys?
“He's in Paris. I've seen two faxes from him and he really likes it. His approach to the whole thing was that he wasn't interested in selling the rights but he was a big fan of David's writing. So he said, 'Here's La Jetée: if it's a starting point, an inspiration for you to go off and do something, then go and do it.' But nobody went out of their way to try and make a remake of something in any way.”

Have you been pleased with the response the film's had so far?
“No, it's disgraceful. People liked it. I hoped they'd hate it. I was making it just for me. No, it's great. Everybody is very pleased with the way it's going. What's nice is that it's actually got people discussing things. They argue. I keep getting report after report of people going to dinner parties and arguing over what that meant or what it didn't mean. Do five million people die or do they live? That's part of the intention, to get people talking again.”

Do you consider yourself an American film-maker or a British film-maker?
“I don't know. I'm a Gilliam-esque film-maker is what I am. It's kind of nice not being either one or the other.”

Do you find that your films are received differently in different parts of the world?
“They're probably liked most of all in France. I seem to be as popular as Jerry Lewis, which is terrifying. I think what it is; they're probably films about America but from an English perspective. I can't quite escape being American yet I've lived most of my life now in England. So I have this slightly skew perspective of things.”

Presumably this went quite smoothly. Did you have any worries that it might turn out like Brazil or Munchausen?
“Yes, those scars are still fairly visible. I'm very careful when I get involved in projects since those days. Both Fisher King and 12 Monkeys went exceedingly easily, and it's because I step very carefully into these little pools of piranhas. But the things I've been wanting to do seem to have required American money. Most of the other projects I've been working on seem to fall into that trap. There is a certain point in a budget where you can't get enough money from the rest of the world so you need to go eventually to Hollywood. It's quite interesting, because the last two, Hollywood came to me. And when they come to you then you can set the terms much more easily than when you go begging cap in hand.”

Looking over the stuff that the Pythons did together and since, it does seem that for six people you've got into an awful lot of trouble. It's almost like you're looking for trouble.
“No, it's just that we think we know what we're doing. And we want to make our own mistakes; we don't want to make somebody else's mistakes. That's where everybody goes wrong. Every time we get in a situation where we've done some work, however silly the work is, we're very serious about it. And if somebody starts fiddling with the work, then they're in for a fight! That's all that happens. What's interesting now is that, because of earlier fights and Brazil and all that, people are very wary around me. Those things have paid off in the long term, because people know I'm serious about what I do. The kind of people that come knocking on the door are much more intelligent, they've got more interesting projects, and they all know they've got to be serious about what they're doing. If we're going to work on something, it's got to be done for the right reasons. I don't like making films to please studio executives and marketing researchers.”

Although there is a bit of humour in 12 Monkeys, your films seem to have moved away from being actual comedies. Is this a conscious decision?
“No, I've just probably become old, bitter and twisted. It's just that these are the things that have intrigued me, that have come along at a certain point when I'm thinking about certain things, and are good expression of these ideas. Fisher King was pretty funny. All of them, no matter how humorous they are or aren't, there's a darkness in there that intrigues me. Brad's very funny in 12 Monkeys, and even Bruce has got some nice lines, but they usually come at very inappropriate and dangerous moments or disturbing moments. Of late I've been obsessed with death in one form or another, so that's why death seems to figure in the films.”

Everything you've done has some sort of fantasy aspect. Can you ever see yourself doing something completely realistic, or will there always be fantasy in there?
“I think it will always be an element because I think that's realistic - to have fantasy added to your life. I don't think the two things are separate, frankly. And I don't think I'll ever make naturalistic films either, because that doesn't really interest me. Naturalistic films give the impression that this is truth or reality and it's not. It's artifice as much as Ace Ventura is artifice.”

I found this quote where you said: "Oftentimes reality seems more fantastic than what is considered reality." But I can't help feeling if I was going round the world spending n million pounds making Baron Munchausen, my reality would be pretty fantastic. Do you think it's also true for the punter in the street?
“I think you make reality or fantasy what you want. It isn't about money. It's about choosing how you see the world. I was probably even more fantastically oriented when I was younger with no money, than I am now. I think I'm probably getting more realistic. It's always been the passport to a happy reasonable life, even if you've got nothing in your pocket. I thinking building the big sets of Munchausen is not reality at all; it's like a nightmare, that's what that is! All of that is very realistic. This whole idea of the director being the boy with the biggest toy and having the time of his life, it isn't really like that when I'm working on the films. I wish I could do something else because I'd never describe them as fun for me, it's always just hard work.”

Was it more fun when you started out on Holy Grail?
“Yes, it was more fun then because there was a gang of us, but the more you take on responsibilities for all of the stuff, it just becomes harder. This is not complaining about this, it's just a fact, just the way it is. Probably I make as few films as I have because when I finish one I tend to not want to make a film for a while. The whole thing is too painful. But then unfortunately I'm able to forget all the bad bits and I foolishly sign up for another one.”

Your scripts that have been published are full of doodles. Do you still draw on your scripts?
“Oh yes. What was interesting on 12 Monkeys is I actually didn't storyboard at all, for the first time. Normally when I'm storyboarding, ideas come out of the actual act of drawing. Your hand is drawing something and it's enjoying itself. The next thing I know, I've drawn something that I wasn't intending. So it's useful in that sense. Doodling is a way of letting part of my being express itself. Then I look at these things occasionally weeks later and say, 'Well, that's a good idea!' or, 'That's absolute shit. What was I thinking?' It's interesting; I find that working on a computer with a computer graphics program it doesn't happen in the same way. My hand has been trained over a long time to draw. It requires the feeling of paper and the smell of ink to get a lot of the sensory apparatus functioning at full bore.”

Do you still consider yourself an animator?
“Nope. That's another guy. When I was an animator, I didn't even consider myself an animator. I was just desperate to be a film director. It just happened to be the job that allowed me to do something that was close to making films.”

There are two really distinctive fantasy film directors in Hollywood - Tim Burton and Terry Gilliam - and you both came out of animation. Do you think that was an important part of your career?
“I think so, because I learned a lot doing it. It was an interesting means of expression. Once you start working in animation, and you become aware of single frames and what they mean, that's a very different approach than most directors have. Most directors don't realise the power of a single frame. I did a thing in 12 Monkeys, where we wanted Bruce to react to a thing but we didn't have it. So I just took another shot of him, looking away from something, and just reversed the shot. Now he looks to the bad guy and reacts accordingly.

"But it's partly being an animator that makes me think like that: 'There it is. All I need is that kind of movement. It doesn't matter whether it goes forward or backwards because I can make the film go any way I want it to go.' I do that a lot. I cut single frames out of things sometimes - it gives little kicks to things. Also with animation you have that freedom of doing almost anything you want, so that builds up a certain arrogance, a confidence or need to express yourself in certain ways. Fellini was a cartoonist, he was never an animator, but there's been a few people have come out of cartooning as well, not just animation.”

Some filmographies connect you with a 1970 Vincent Price movie, Cry of the Banshee.
“Aha! I did the title sequence. there were a lot of Brecht-Durer apocryphal beasts and monsters flying around the place. I can't remember. It was a long time ago, and I'm not even sure if I've got a copy of it. Samuel Z Arkoff was the man that knocked on the door.”

The other thing I don't have any information on is a 1974 short called The Miracle of Flight. What was that?
“That was around the time of Python. I was animating for Marty Feldman's show, something called The Marty Feldman Comedy Machine. I was commissioned to do a half-hour or twenty-five minutes of animation, and one of them was this short film that I did which is all about man's inability to fly. It turns up occasionally at short film festivals and cartoon festivals.”

Do you still keep in contact with the other Pythons?
“Yes, even the ones that are still alive.”

Now that the Beatles have reformed, do you have demo tapes of old Graham Chapman jokes lying around that you could record over and release?
“That's something we've actually jokingly talked about, but it would have to probably be a cut-out of Graham that we could operate from the back. I don't think we're as desperately in need of money as the Beatles are.”

And you could probably produce a better record than 'Free as a Bird'.
“Without much difficulty.”

Most Python films seem to be by one Python with one or two other Pythons in, but none of the team are in your last two films.
“It's purely because the last two have been in America and about Americans. There's no ulterior motive at work here.”

A lot of creative people, when asked what they're working on, don't like to give details until it's actually in production. Yet your name seems to be forever attached to different projects, most of which...
“...Don't happen! It proves the point of why you should never talk about such things.”

Why haven't you learned your lesson then?
“Well, I have now, as of this interview! I'll shut up about what I'm really doing now, because all these other things are projects that I was involved with or talked about being involved in. What often happens, you find, is that somebody like a producer releases this 'info' before anybody has signed or agreed definitely, and then you find yourself making one more film that you're not making.”

Can I throw a few titles at you and find out the truth behind these? In 1992 you were going to do a version of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.
“Yep, I worked on that as scriptwriter for about six months, then I got bored with it. But I was actually working and I think I got paid $12,000, so I made big money.”

Around the same time, you and Charles McKeown were working on Don Quixote.
“Yes, that's still in the works. The script marches on, but not to anybody's satisfaction yet.”

What about Watchmen?
“Ah, well that one, Joel Silver was trying to get me to do it. Again, I worked with Charles McKeown on that. We wrote a version of the script. Then Joel wasn't able to get the money together, so that died a death. However, I was contacted by the new owner of the rights in January this year, wanting to know if I was still interested. I think it's going to be impossible to make as a film, unless you make it a three and a half hour film, which most people aren't going to want.”

Another quote I found which surprised me was that when you were younger you were a big fan of the radio.
“Oh, yes.”

I bring this up because I know somebody at BBC Radio who is trying to get a radio series of Watchmen going.
“That's interesting. I actually think Watchmen would be great as a mini-series on television. Five or six hours, and you do it like the book so each character's got his own chapter.”

You haven't done any television for years.
“Not since Python. I'm not interested in it. I like the big screen.”

I was intrigued by your being a fan of radio because your stuff is very, very visual.
“But my theory is that radio is a great training ground for visualists, because you're only given aural information, so everything else you've got to invent. You've got to put costumes on them, you've got to put faces on them, you've got to do the shots. I'm sure that it was a great stretcher of imagination muscles when I was a kid. If you get the sound right and the voices right, it just conjures up whole worlds. Radio isn't alive and well the way it used to be, but at least in England it's still going.”

Let me throw a few more projects at you. The Minotaur; were you working on that with Michael Palin?
“At one point, yes, but not really seriously, but that's another project that's hung around, waiting for a decent script to be written of it. What I do with these things is I get excited about them, and I've worked it out in my head, and I get bored.”

Do you get bored easily?
“Well, certain stories, I become too familiar with them, and then I have to walk away from them. Quixote was one of those, and Minotaur's a bit like that too. I looked at it again the other day and thought, 'Hmm, this is a good story.' So maybe one ought to get to work on it.”

Were any of your completed films sitting around like this for a long while before being made?
Brazil was hanging about for a few years, and then finally came together. I had actually been working on Brazil before Time Bandits, but I couldn't quite get it all working together. So I thought, 'What I'll do, rather than writing this difficult film, I'll do one that all the family can come to see' And that was Time Bandits.”

Time Bandits, Brazil and Munchausen are sometimes banded together as a trilogy. In what sense are they a trilogy?
“Well ... in the sense that I lied about that! I was referring to Munchausen as 'the fourth part of the trilogy'. But in the sense that they are all in some ways autobiographical: you've got a boy, you've got a young man, and you've got an old man. All dreamers of one sort or another; all getting swept up in dangerous adventures as a result of their imagination.”

Somebody told me you were attached to do Godzilla at one point.
“I heard this too. I've only heard about this in interviews, never in reality. I don't know where this came from, but obviously somebody wrote it in a paper or a magazine somewhere and then it's been repeated, but nobody's ever approached me about this.”

Another one that may just be wishful thinking: were you ever approached about the Hitch-Hiker's Guide movie?
“I know Douglas and this sort of comes and goes occasionally, but it's never gotten anything more than saying, 'It's an interesting idea, but...' We've never worked out a script or anything.”

The latest rumour is Time Bandits 2.
“There's a company that bought out Handmade Films and all of its properties, and they were talking to us about doing one. Charles McKeown and I have an idea what to do, but we're waiting to hear more from them. We haven't heard anything for a few months. I don't know what's happening. It's one I wouldn't direct. I'd work with Charles on the script and godfather it basically.”

Are you looking at moving towards more non-directorial projects?
“No, it's just that I don't want to do that one. There are others that I want to do.”

Are there any other projects?
“You missed Hunchback of Notre Dame which I turned down last week. Then there was Tale of Two Cities. That was the one I was working on just before 12 Monkeys.”

That's not a particularly fantastical one.
“No, I was moving into new territory. But it did have the hero dying at the end! That one I worked on for quite a long time. It was going to be starring Mel Gibson, and at the very last moment he decided he wanted to direct again, and he directed Braveheart. So we were then floundering, trying to find a replacement. We needed a big star and the studio started pissing around, and I said, 'Bye!'“

All the things you've done or been attached to tend to be very big projects. Do you ever want to go back to doing some very little thing on a low budget with a few actors and two sets?
“After Munchausen, my joke was that I wanted to do a film about a schizophrenic but only half his personality. That was my little film. Well, Fisher King was my little film. That was only four people.”

But even that had a dance sequence in Grand Central Station.
“Yes, I know. This is my nature; I can't really do little films. This thing sort of springs forth and demands attention. But I like big films. I think they're things I'm reasonably skilled at dealing with. I have both the eye and the mind to deal with them, so I'll play it. My attitude is I'll play it as long as somebody gives me the money to play it, and when that dries up we can think about little films. But at the moment I can get something off the ground of a reasonable scale.”

Do you think you would have been happy making films 30 or 40 years ago when there weren't the special effects available?
“I probably would have done it. Effects have always been there. It's always been possible to do anything you wanted to do. It's easier to do certain kinds of things now. What's impossible to do now is to make Cleopatra or Fall of the Roman Empire, when you've got 10,000 extras all doing things. You can lay out big lengths of Scottish armies, like in Braveheart, but you can't really do those big scenes any more because nobody can afford those numbers of real people. It just changes.”

Do you think you'd have been happier doing that?
“There was always a side of me that wanted to make an epic. because I grew up liking epics. I thought they were just great; to see thousands of people just pouring over the hillside. I suppose that came from living in a small, rural community, but now living in a city I suppose I'm less interested in large numbers of people.”

[This final section was a regular part of SFX interviews, in which interviewees were asked to sum up each of their various works. It was called 'Gilliam on Gilliam'. - MJS]

“I ought to preface all this. I don't watch my films, so this is from memory.”

I had to cheat a bit because you've done seven films and we needed eight, so to lay it out neatly I've had to include the Python TV series.
“So you can't squeeze in The Crimson Permanent Insurance? That's my film.”

That's nine, that's even better. But let's start with Python.
“It was great because there were no rules. We were just out to make each other laugh, and that's a rare thing, where there's nobody breathing down your neck, saying, 'You're offending these people,' or, 'We need a bigger audience,' or, 'We're not getting our market share.' There was none of that. It was just the freedom of being six people, working rather hard, doing what we thought was funny and going for it. That was great. For me, it was non-stop work, seven days a week, trying to produce the animations. There'd usually be one or two all-nighters a week, so I'd usually be brain-damaged. The freedom was also based on the fact that we had to produce so much stuff. It takes the onus off you; you don't have to be good all the time, you just have to be able to fill up the time slot.”

You and the other Terry co-directed Holy Grail.
“That was interesting again because it was two keen, desperate people trying to be film directors, having neither of us directed a feature-length film before, and learning on the job. We did it in less than five weeks for very little money. It was done basically because we were so naive; we didn't know we couldn't do it. What was interesting was how, as we worked on it, it became clear that Terry and I didn't share exactly the same voice all the time. So I tended to step back. I also didn't really like trying to direct all the others, because I was just this monosyllabic animator, and they couldn't understand why I needed them to stand in holes, so their heads didn't stick over the matte line. I got tired of that, and said, 'They wrote the stuff, they can do it.' But it was still pretty extraordinary that we pulled it off in as little time with as little money as had.”

Have you ever met the SF writer Iain Banks?
“No, I read his stuff though. I've never met Iain M Banks either.”

When he was 16 he was an extra in Holy Grail.
“All the students from Stirling and elsewhere were there. It was wonderful.”

The next one was Jabberwocky.
“That was a sort of silly arrogance on my part; there were three of us from Python involved in it, and it was medieval, and it was comic, and to think that it wouldn't be compared to Grail was very silly and naive. And it was, and found not to be 'as funny' but it wasn't intending to be 'as funny'. But I think what I'd discovered by Jabberwocky was how nice it was not to work in the group and to realise that actors would do what the director said. This was an extraordinary leap forward, unlike Holy Grail, where the actors did what they chose. The great thing was working with Max Wall and John Le Mesurier. We gathered together some great comics - Warren Mitchell, Harry H Corbett - a pretty good collection of British comics.”

The next one was Time Bandits.
“The great thing about Time Bandits wasn't the making of it but was the fact that it was a huge success in America. It was made 15 years ago or more; it made almost $50 million in America, which basically opened the door to all these other things like Brazil. Because that kind of success breeds opportunities to take advantage of studios, and I did. I remember sitting down and saying, 'I'll write a film for everybody, for all the family.' The thing was the knight coming out of the wardrobe.

"The interesting thing about Time Bandits was again a kind of pragmatic approach. I wanted the camera to be at a kid's point of view the whole time. I wanted to be down with the kid. I didn't think I could find a kid that would sustain the interest of the audience all the way through it. So what do you do? You surround the kid with a gang who are all the same height as he is. That's how the dwarf Time Bandits developed. I remember one weekend just madly scribbling these things down and worked out a story effectively. then went down and grabbed Mike and off we went. It was very easy. That was again a time when we wanted to do something and it just seemed to happen very quickly.”

The script is full of flattery about Sean Connery, hoping he would be in it. Was that genuine?
“No, that was just our way of trying to describe who we wanted, with no thought that Connery would do it. It was Dennis O'Brien who was running Handmade Films then who was a very literal kind of character. So there it said 'Sean Connery' in the script, so he met Sean Connery and he asked him. Luckily Sean's career was in the doldrums then, so he signed up. But it was the furthest thing from my mind that we'd get somebody like Connery to be in it.”

Brazil is certainly your most critically acclaimed film.
“That's the most cathartic film as well. It was just kidding around with stuff, clearing the shit out of my system. The original script and storyboards were twice as elaborate as what we finally did. There were a lot more dream sequences. It's the precursor of things like Munchausen where I can convince myself and other people that we can do things like this for tuppence, and of course we never can. So it's that constant battle. It was great fun doing Brazil because we didn't get lost in it, not sure exactly what you were doing and what effect it was going to have. But we knew it was going to be shocking people. It was kind of like cinematic rape that we were offering to the public. People were really so split over that film. So many people just hated it, and then others just thought it was the best thing since sliced bread.”

Do you think they hated it because they didn't understand it?
“Yes. They see this visual cacophony pouring down on them, attacking them all the time. It's a very attacking film; it's not a restful film. A lot of people just didn't get it. It's very interesting how they revise their views as time goes on. I remember the nicest thing was going to Paris the first time, because they were the first people who really saw it and the first interviews I gave about it. Journalists came in and said was I interested in poetry because Brazil's a totally poetic film. To be given those kind of descriptions of your work is great: 'I'm an artist at last!'“

A Jean Cocteau influence. How do you think your career might have developed if you hadn't won the battle to get it released with the proper ending?
“I have no idea. I don't know if it would make any difference, I'd still plough on and make films. But at least Brazil had gone out to the rest of the world as we intended, and the American battle was just because they were fucking around with my film. I said, 'Put your name on it, and I'll go out and promote the film, but as long as my name is on it, it goes out the way I made it.' Taking the studio on in that way, and actually winning, it's kept me in good stead. At the time, we didn't think we were going to win, we were just going to go down screaming and fighting and going to take as many people with us as possible - publicly!

"It was actually a fairly depressing time, to say the least, but I remember the LA critics voted it Best Picture, Best Screenplay and Best Direction, and that was announced on the night of the premiere of Out of Africa, which was Universal's big film that year. For that film to win nothing from the LA critics and for us to win all the top awards was just extraordinary. It was well worth doing. I don't know if I've got enough energy to do it again, but it was one of those battles I'm glad I did.”

Okay, Crimson Permanent Assurance.
“That was an idea I had. I remember bringing it up when we were talking about the film, and the others thought I was going to do it as an animated feature and I said, 'No, I want to do it as live action.' It was meant to be in the middle of the film, not in front of the film. I finished it, and I had my own crew and my own studio making this little thing that kept growing bigger and bigger and bigger. And when we put it in the middle of the film, the whole film just ground to a halt. It was such a different kind of pace, and everything about it was different. It was a different kind of world. I was under pressure from the others to cut it shorter and shorter and shorter.

"I kept trimming it down and finally reached a point where I thought, 'This is ridiculous. If it's any shorter it's not worth having it, period. Let's just pull it out of the film. We'll have it as a supporting short, and then it'll reappear in the middle of the film, which nobody has ever had done before, where the short attacks the feature film.' It was a chance to take basically a cartoon idea and render it in live action, because I've always wanted to do that. And again it was getting a chance for people who don't normally get this kind of work: for 80-year-old men to be buccaneers; as were dwarves in Time Bandits getting a chance to be adventure heroes.”

And then Munchausen was kind of expensive.
“The reality of Munchausen is that it wasn't expensive. It only cost about $40 million. But we only had 23 and a half to make it! So the problem wasn't profligate spending, it was a silly budget that the producer convinced everybody we could do it for. I had storyboarded the whole thing; the numbers of extras, cast, everything was there on paper if somebody wanted to seriously budget the film. But he went through four accountants, because each accountant he would bring on would say, 'It's going to cost 60 million.' So he was fired. Another would come in and say, 'It's gone down to 50 million,' - he was fired. Eventually he got one that said, 'It'll cost what you got, 23 and a half' - so he stayed on. He was fired later.

"I had blithely decided that I was going to believe the lies about how cheaply we could do it in Rome because I wanted to work in Rome, and so marched in there. The thing was that it was one thing for me to believe the lies, but for the completion guarantor, the insurance company and everybody else to believe them was what was really silly. These guys, their function is to understand budgets and know what you can get for your money. But it was truly a nightmare. Every day it just got worse because the production was a complete disaster and nothing was ready. Everything was constantly being delayed. With a twenty-week shoot, in the sixth week, all the money was gone. But nevertheless, it was the kind of adventure that I suppose, if you're going to try the complete spectrum of film experiences, everybody should have one of these.”

Fisher King.
Fisher King was the work of a broken man basically.”

It was very much a departure for you.
“After Munchausen I was incredibly depressed, and this script arrived and I thought it was wonderful. it was simple, it was just four people, and it was a chance to prove to critics that I was interested in more than just the visuals of the film. Because I've always been interested in the acting and the characters, but people are so distracted by the look of my films, they don't seem to notice there's really good acting going on in front of the cameras. So this in many ways was a chance to get rid of the big visual pyrotechnics and just do something much simpler. The fact is it still looks pretty extraordinary. It was really nice just to work with actors as opposed to special effects technicians. Actors are really good fun. We'd rehearse for a couple of weeks and we really enjoyed.”

How would you sum up 12 Monkeys?
“It was actually closer in many ways to making Brazil, because I didn't know what I was doing half the time. It was one of those stories that was like the film itself. The director was the main character, wandering around, trying to make sense of a senseless world. Because we were getting lost in what scene we were doing, and where in the script that scene went, it was a very unnerving kind of experience. I actually didn't enjoy the work that much because we were all just exhausting ourselves trying to do something that was, from an actor's point of view, very different from what they've normally done. So most of my efforts were being concentrated on dealing with the actors. Taking actors and trying to make them do things that they don't normally do.”

Something we haven't covered is the Python CD-ROMs.
“Yes, in fact in the next room, the guys who did the first one are here with the second one.”

What's that like as a medium to work in?
“It's interesting because it's non-linear. That's nice, because a lot of my stuff is non-linear, especially the cartoons were. So it's fun to try and move and juggle things in different ways. On the other hand, you're usually in the hands of so many other people when you're doing it, because I still don't understand how the actual machinery works, just like I don't understand exactly how the machinery of a computer works, which I find very frustrating. For once I was in the hands of engineers and computer types who work out the problems in their own way. I've always in the past made sure I understood how the tools work before I did something. I find this a little more unnerving because I don't know how the tools really work."

website: terrygilliamweb.com

Silverhide

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Director: Keith R Robinson
Writer: Keith R Robinson
Producer: Keith R Robinson
Cast: Kelly Wines, Lucy Clarvis, Jordan Murphy
Country: UK
Year of release: 2015
Reviewed from: DVD (101 Films)
Website: www.otherdimensionfilms.com

Writing, directing and producing a feature-length film is an achievement in and of itself; one not to be sniffed at. When that film is selected to play at a festival or, even better, receives some form of distribution, that’s a tremendous validation that all the hard work was worth it. You have to admire anyone who has, from scratch, ended up with their name on the back of a DVD sleeve in a branch of HMV. Keith R Robinson should be very proud.

Having said that, my duty as a film reviewer of this parish is to let you know about not just the content and themes of a movie but also its quality, both overall and in specific aspects of the cinematic experience. In short, you want to know whether it’s worth parting with your shekels for a particular film. And in the case of Silverhide, even if you’re buying it for a couple of quid in a closing down sale at a branch of That’s Entertainment (say, for example, purely hypothetically…) the answer has to be no. I wouldn’t recommend you to buy it, or to spend 72 minutes watching it, because – with all due respect to Keith R Robinson and his cast and crew – it’s absolute rubbish.

Which is a shame. I was quite excited about this one. The film’s release through 101 Films in April 2015 had passed me by, possibly because I had it on my master-list of unreleased British horror films under its production title of Pounce. I’m a sucker for a good werewolf movie. And while this isn’t actually a werewolf movie, it’s a wolf-monster movie and that’s close enough in my book.

But honestly this is terrible. It’s one of those films where there’s almost no chemistry between the cast because for the most part they’ve been filmed in different locations and/or on different days. There’s no attempt at characterisation. The threadbare, half-hearted plot is barely deserving of the term. The dialogue is clunkier than a Tonka toy falling down a flight of stairs. The performances are ripe, the direction vapid, the design almost non-existant, the camera-work not much better than the average holiday video and the sound recording and mixing is so bad, alternating between too loud and too quiet, that one has to seriously consider the possibility that someone had the mixing desk upside-down.

The ‘Silverhide’ of the (re)title is a type of wolf with some unexplained property in its fur which renders it invisible in moonlight, which the military have been testing since they captured it in the 1920s. Is it worth going on, or shall we stop the review right there? Because frankly that précis, combined with the preceding paragraph, ought to be enough for most people.

I mean, people do realise that ‘moonlight’ is just reflected ‘sunlight’, right? It’s not a thing. I wouldn’t mind if this was a supernatural wolf-man fantasy but this is presented as a horror/sci-fi mash-up so I’d like at least a bit of the ‘sci’ please. More to the point, how has this thing been around since the 1920s? Since there’s no suggestion that the British Army has a breeding colony of silverhides, that leaves the possibility that it’s a 90-year-old wolf, which would be pretty arthritic and toothless by now, I would imagine.

Our principal characters (in the loosest sense of the term) are Siobhan (Kelly Wines, who also helped with make-up), Laura (Lucy Clarvis: Curse of the Witching Tree, also in a Rebecca Gosnell horror short called Wolf) and Marty (Jordan Murphy). These three dull twentysomethings work for a magazine about the paranormal, and I can’t help thinking that might sound more believable if it was a website.  Their plan (once again I use the term in its loosest possible sense) is to camp somewhere near an air base in the Welsh mountains, where they have a tip-off that something “way, way above top secret” will be tested in the small hours of the morning. Siobhan spends the entire film in an underground bunker, allegedly unused since the 1980s (and the only actual ‘set’ in the whole film). There is no obvious reason why she should be in there, nor why Laura is on her own in their tent, nor why Marty goes wandering off on his own. Furthermore, although they have three radios, Marty has left his in the car. So he’s an idiot and deserves everything that’s coming to him.

Most of the first half of this mercifully short feature is taken up with pointless, dull, badly written, boring conversations between any two of these nerks. We learn nothing about who they are, what their goals are, or why they think sitting in a tent on a Welsh hillside near a heavily defended military establishment is a good idea. We learn only, through astoundingly clunky exposition, that Siobhan’s father was some sort of Government scientist who was forced into committing suicide (shades of the David Kelly affair). And that Laura and Marty are a couple and that the former is pregnant. We learn about the pregnancy first from Laura telling Siobhan that her and Marty’s “circumstances have changed” then because that leaden, clichéd infodump might be too subtle for some people, from Marty actually telling Siobhan (after returning to the tent to find Laura missing) that his girlfriend is pregnant. And then, because there might be some people in the audience who are really, really hard of thinking (or, charitably, have just lost the will to live and stopped paying attention), we’re shown a magazine in the tent that’s actually called ‘Pregnancy’.

Many doctors advise pregnant women to spend their nights on drafty, damp hillsides, apparently.

Intercut with this we have shots of soldiers wandering around in the dark. According to the credits there’s three or four of them, but we literally only ever see one at a time, and since they’re all dressed identically and only ever converse with a radio voice back at some unspecified HQ, for most of the film it seems to be a single soldier, responsible for guarding this entire area. Guarding against what? Well, if he’s guarding against characterless paranormal magazine journalists, he’s not much good at his job. Occasionally the soldier says things like “Everybody move out!” in a risible attempt to convince us that he has a whole (silent) squad with him that we just haven’t been shown.

There’s also a photographer somewhere else on the hillside who, in a thrilling prologue, we saw taking a photograph of a sheep. And there’s a guy in a suit, because both Laura and Siobhan reckon they’ve been followed by men in suits. Wow, that’s spooky. Except wait, no, lots of people wear suits. This is not the stereotypical MiB get-up, this is literally just a guy wearing a normal suit, like you might wear to work. He will become significant near the end when he joins Siobhan in the bunker and I’m sure you can’t possibly guess who he turns out to be. (The photographer is in the bunker too but he simply disappears from the scene for about ten minutes so Siobhan can have a bland, badly written conversation with her dad (oops – spoiler!).  The actor is John Hoye who was in Heathen and was apparently casting director on POV.

It’s all “You must tell them. You must get the message out,” etc. Tell them what? What message? You have precisely zero proof of anything and even if you did, so what? The Army is testing a new technology based on a magical type of animal fur on an arthritic hound. I mean, what are they even testing? Just take some of the fur and study it in a lab. Or say the hell with it, kill and skin the beast and just fashion a coat, boots and hat out of its hide. Who cares how it works?

Of course, normally the Silverhide is kept safe behind a big fence that runs across the hillside (instead of in a contained environment like a paddock or something, you know, like the wolves at the zoo). Tonight there’s a storm – one of those storms that has lightning and thunder but no actual wind or rain – and a bolt of lightning has hit the metal fence and thereby somehow let the animal escape.

Oh man, I’m getting tired of typing about this tripe. It’s just dreadful. The only two things it has going for it are a surprisingly good wolf-head prop and tight, fast editing of the attack scenes. Which unfortunately cancel each other out. Designed and built by David Foxley of Fox Zumbi Dark Arts FXs (who also did the make-up effects on Writers Retreat) the development of the wolf head from initial sketches to finished prop is documented on this Facebook page.

Keith R Robinson doesn’t even have the excuse of this being his first feature. He partnered up with US executive producer Jay So in 2005 after the latter found a couple of Robinson’s scripts on script-sharing website InkTip. In December 2009 it was announced that he had wrapped his feature debut (as director, writer, producer and editor) This was The Unwelcome, based on the famous Enfield poltergeist case, which according to my records had a VOD release in May 2012, although I can now find no trace of that. It’s possible that I confused it with the Marysia Kay/Eleanor James picture Aggressive Behavior which was shot as Unwelcome. Or maybe not.

Shot in April 2012, Pounce premiered at the Freakshow Horror Film Festival in the States in October 2014 (under its original title) and hit UK shelves (retitled) six months later. Bizarrely, in July 2015 Foxley's wolf head was featured on the front cover of Fortean Times, illustrating a story about a supposed werewolf incident in Germany!

I really don’t like trashing any British horror film like this but Silverhide is just so poor. It manages to be both overambitious and underambitious at the same time: seeking to tell an epic story of Government conspiracies, clandestine military operations and deadly monsters through a series of lacklustre scenes in which characters we neither know nor care about trade wooden inanities. Please, Keith R Robinson, do something different with your next film. Work on your script a bit more. Think about your limitations and try to turn them to your advantage instead of just blundering through them and hoping no-one will notice.

Also, and I mean this as genuine advice to both Keith and other film-makers, don't put your possessive name above the title, as in Keith R Robinson's Silverhide (the on-screen title here). Honestly, unless you are actually a 'name' - you know, a name like Craven or Carpenter - that just makes you look like such a knob.

One final point. On the movie’s IMDB User Reviews page, among all the one-star excoriations, someone named 'Andy Read' has posted four copies (on the same day) of the same hilarious ten-star review (his only ever IMDB contribution, which doesn't look at all suspicious). If ‘Andy Read’ isn’t Keith R Robinson, he’s clearly someone who knows him: “Gee, these armchair filmmakers… It's easy to criticise when you've never done anything yourself isn't it?” is a bit of a give-away. He tears into the other User Reviewers for allegedly expecting some big Hollywood blockbuster, claiming the film has been misleadingly packaged to make it look more than it is.

But dude, Andy/Keith, it hasn’t been misleadingly packaged. No-one could pick up this DVD and mistake it for anything except a low-budget indie horror. And that's what people are expecting to see when they pop the disc into the machine. Just, you know, a good low-budget indie horror. “This is a low budget film made for cult fans and schlocky horror aficionados” he rants. Yes but the cult fans and schlocky horror aficionados hate it, not because it’s not a blockbuster, but because it’s boring and badly made. “It should be being packaged as a GRINDHOUSE movie – for B Movie fans” he yells, making strategic use of the old caps lock to emphasise his point but betraying that he has absolutely no idea what ‘grindhouse’ means. It doesn’t mean any old horror movie and Silverhide is about as far away from the ‘grindhouse’ genre as it’s possible to get without actually starring Judi Dench.

Any sympathy I may have had for this little film evaporated when I read that ridiculous ‘User Review’ which effectively cancelled out the good work of the genuinely impressive wolf head. So sorry, Silverhide, you’re going at the bottom of the heap.

MJS rating: D-
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